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Cutting losses

So I have this friend who is fucking crazy. Most aspects of his life would prove intolerable to an "upstanding member of society," in all its connotations. I believe that everyone commits crimes in one way or another -- be it against nature, culture, economy, their family, or what have you. So it is important consider the source when examining any outward criticism of another person or group. Many who would call my friend "a bum" or "stupidly insane" or "a colorblind sociopath" likely suffer from chronic road rage, enjoy both the Twilight movies and Radiohead's Kid A, and think sharing is unnatural.


But to dismiss someone out of hand just because of so-called "Disgusting Habits" is short-sighted, I think. Those with strangely skewed world-views are interesting. And assuming they have some degree of self-awareness, getting swept up in the frenzy of personality is never boring, and a welcome diversion from the drudgery and ennui associated with modern American life. The problem with cultivating this kind of friendship is that someday they may go off the rails in to serious self-destruction in an unexpected way.

I don't expect everyone/anyone will understand what this is about. Outwardly most people are perfectly content to live in blasé conformity. Selling out and moving up to something stable, if not sustainable, can be appealing. Grow up, go to college, buy a house, have kids, mow the lawn, play some golf or go shopping on the weekends. Which is all fine I suppose, but don't blame those that want less, or different, if they don't jibe with the status quo. You know what no one says: To each his own according to the amount of satisfaction they can derive and pains they tolerate in their daily routine.



Let's get back on track. This was supposed to be about my crazy friend, specifically in reference the events of this past weekend that may or may not have ruined his life for months, if not years to come. Due to ongoing legal ramifications, I have some hesitancy in getting into the meat of the story. In fact, the details are irrelevant here. So just imagine a situation in which a crazy trip spirals out of control and in the process crosses paths with a Napoleonic authority figure armed with a Taser, allegedly.

Massive failure. I feel some degree of culpability for not taking more preventative measures. I do pride myself in the ability to act appropriately in the weirdest of situations, even twisted. But look: You see a grown man flying on what looks like a sure collision course with the sun. What do you do beyond offering warning, advising restraint. In the end everyone's decisions are their own, be them severely hampered or not. At this point abandoning ship becomes the rational, appropriate decision. I don't want to needlessly spend the night in the drunk tank. This quote from HST resonates.



So ... a point? When one thrives on the fringe of societal norms, sometimes a line is crossed and there are bad consequences. Living on the edge is a choice, one that can lead to regret just like any other. Maybe Steven Tyler was on to something when he said "There's a meltdown in the sky" but God only knows what that means.

Check out this bird

Fucking badass chainsaw sounds, right?

I am working on a more "long-form" essay on the not insignificant events of this past weekend. So look out for that sometime before the holiday. It involves tasing.

Don't worry, it's dead

image via

Here's some week-ending paraphernalia. Week-ending in the chronologic sense, not that they cause any sort of stoppage, weekly or otherwise. Thoughts I can't form into a full post, and a couple links. This is what happens when my brain cannot gain any purchase on anything specific, much like a frog in space. I blame the wealth of choices available to today's discerning media consumer. Shittily prolific!

There was some confusion(?) earlier this week when I commented that I had read and posted about Jesus' Son, a book about some guy who does heroin and other drugs in Iowa and other places. In fact this was untrue: The book was only mentioned offhand in some post about random things (imagine that). But yeah, I did read it on the Chinatown Bus, hipster-style! Unfortunately this did not result in any craigslist missed connection ads, which was my hope. The story about the narrator eating random hospital pills and then carrying baby bunnies in his shirt was the best. Except when he forgot about them and sat on them and they died.

"Eat shit, assholes. Sorry." That's all I've got so far in my short story/memoir, working title The Regretful Misanthropist. Because people are terrible. Well, not all people. But most. I'm going to do more research.

Frank Zappa on Crossfire is a must-see from the '80s, it's about freedom of speech. The other guy: A foreboding glimpse into the future of punditry and the Republican Party? Or just some guy obsessed with incest? Both.

These very short stories are funny.

That's about it I think. Maybe something regarding a movie ... involving a Bad Lieutenant.

Nevermind on the book suggestions

After reading this review, I decided that I am Going Rogue. By which I mean reading the book of that name by Sarah Palin.

If you are in a hurry, here is the succinct version of this review: Going Rogue is shit. It is groundbreaking in its banality and disregard for facts. If you are sentient, it will pain you to read it. Imagine watching your parents 69 one another while John Madden sits behind you and bellows out color commentary and you will have some idea of how excruciating and profoundly scarring it is to plow through each page of this wholly fictional monument to self-aggrandized mediocrity. Going Rogue is to the art of writing what the Holocaust is to the concept of a just God – the piece of disconfirming evidence so overwhelming that we are left questioning whether it can exist at all.

But seriously, fuck that book. Literally cut a hole in it and fuck it. Worst paper cuts ever.

Happy now bitch?

That is a well-edited video, capturing many of the themes that made The Wire so great. I only wish it had a couple other lines: Like "Nice Dolphin, nigga" and "That's a life that had to be snatched." Also I forgot how many obscenely hilarious lines Rawls had over the years.

Speaking of The Wire, this AV Club list with the best 30 shows of the decade is pretty spot on. Is instant nostalgia a thing? Because there will be much of it, if it exists, in the next month and a half as the decade comes to an end.

In other news -- anyone have any book suggestions? Something I can get at the library? I was thinking of going sci-fi, an easier read after the hardest 150 pages ever in Crying of Lot 49. Stephen King perhaps. But on the other hand I'm tempted to go full pretentious, get Infinite Jest and read it conspicuously in public places.

Banged Up

Something is telling me that it's a minor death trap. That is to say my 70's era Schwinn bicycle that has been converted to a single-speed. It looks cool with its fresh paint job and swapped and chopped handlebars, but there is a problem. The chain periodically comes flying off the gears. More of a problem is that this only happens while pedaling with force.

Occasionally careening through an intersection, precariously maintaining balance while avoiding cars and pedestrians is a small price to pay for looking hip. The voice in the back of my head saying things like 'catastrophic drive-train failure' and 'may result in injury and death' was ignored with a hearty PSHAW. Until yesterday when said failure caused a violent crash and injury to no less than three joints on my right side. So maybe a rethinking of strategy?

Details: I was en route to the local K-Mart for important supplies. I am not a quitter. So despite bloody road rash and an inability to properly grip the handlebars with my right hand I continued the couple miles to my destination and got those supplies, plus another wrist brace. You can never have too many wrist braces. I may have been going into an insignificant level of shock.

It's kind of surprising that not one bystander showed the slightest bit of concern during the entire escapade. The initial crash occurred on a busy street -- no one stopped. One pedestrian gave me a look of some interest as I rolled past wincing with blood running down my leg. But it easily could have been aversion, or non-plussitude, or just gawking at the freak who was disregarding his obvious physical trauma.

Not that I was looking for sympathy from anyone, least of all someone in a car. I would have shrugged off any show of worry with a self-respecting grunt, at best. Or in a bizarre fit of fight-or-flight response gone wrong I might have attacked them with my now disfigured and claw-like hand. So ignoring the injured bike guy may have been a smart move, in retrospect. Still, a little empathy would have been nice.

There's always music in the air

Yeah yeah, this blog isn't being updated enough. I know what you are thinking -- what a lazy fucking asshole that thope is, looking at hilarious things on the internet all day and not sharing them with me and the 6 other people that look at this. Well sorry, here's a chimp forcing a frog to suck its dick. Was that not informative and horrifying! Or maybe no one is looking at this anymore? I kind of hope not, that would waste a years-long tradition of slapdash blather.

But shit man, I can't help it if a pornographic video-game addiction and strange media cravings preempt posting things on a blog. This is 2009! You know how it is, first you're like "Hey Twin Peaks isn't that weird, despite a bunch of shots of a ceiling fan for no reason," and then you get around to watching the episode with the infamous Dale Cooper dream sequence and its all like WTF dancing little people.



That said, maybe I'll get back in the groove of posting on here. But then again maybe not. Maybe I'll make a tumblr and put the goats out to pasture. Maybe I'll commission some South Asians to redesign the template so this doesn't look like something from 2002, or update the links on the side. Honestly, who links to 4chan? Zen Habits? Have I ever even visited that site? This blog sucks, show it to small children.

Roger Sterling ladies and gentlemen

If you don't watch Mad Men, this won't make much sense. Also, you didn't see a guy get kicked to death by a horse in the season finale the other night.

Anyway: "That woman got on a plane with a man who was going to end World War II, not run her father's dog food company." ZING

Links brought to you by a hairless bear

Does declaring a link-dump to be the laziest of all blog posts make it less so? Probably not. Here are a few things of possible import, from the internet mostly.

Anyone watching that Ken Burns' documentary on PBS? It boldly proclaims that the National Park was America's best idea right in the title. Here's it's web presence. The show is quite good, a worthwhile distraction from baseball last night.

This article on Ayn Rand has a bunch of choice tidbits, including this laugher: "In her 70s Rand found herself dying of lung cancer, after insisting that her followers smoke because it symbolized "man's victory over fire" and the studies showing it caused lung cancer were Communist propaganda."

Drugs! Who hasn't done them? Not our president that's for sure. From this article:
"You might just be bored, or alone. Everybody was welcome into the club of disaffection. And if the high didn't solve whatever it was that was getting you down, it would at least help you laugh at the world's ongoing folly and see you through all the hypocrisy and bullshit and cheap moralism."

This Daily Show segment is ostensibly about the just happened elections, but it gains relevancy as a take-down of cable news coverage of just about any political story. (Best part of the election for us in PA: No more Corzine-Christie N.J. Governor ads. This is not up for debate.)

A lastly -- Halloween may be over, but it's never too late for some "ghost stories with Ghostface."

Programming Note

After several years of faithful service, my laptop finally kicked the bucket -- dead hard drive. I will be using this as an excuse for sporadic and shitty posts, that is to say more so than normal. I could "post from my work computer" like "I'm doing right now" but let's get real, I have important time-sucking activities to attend to, such as playing flash games online. And hey, this post is here, take what you can get at this point.

In related news, computers are cheap as shit these days. 300 bucks? I paid nearly twice that for the one that just broke down, off craigslist. That is actually an amusing story, one which I tell many people. Have I ever written about it on this blog? There's no way to tell barring a lengthy search, so here it is (possibly again):

Spotted an ad on craigslist, had to be 4 years ago. Eventually the guy and I decide to meet in the parking lot of a Best Buy. This was so we could link into the store's wireless network, the guy told me in a heavy Russian accent. That didn't work, but I eyed up the two laptops he brought, and left. Later I decided to buy one of them and called to work out the final terms, and he offered to stock it with maybe ill-gotten programs.

"You want Photoshop? I hook you up," he said. "Dreamweaver? No problem."

This is the part of the story that is hard to convey via text, as opposed to with spoken words. Mainly because I do a hilarious Russian accent. So imagine that with your brain. That's pretty much it, I assume that laptop came to me from some sort of eastern European mob-like organization. One with the kind of deep pockets necessary to provide "customers" with photo-manipulation and word-processing software.

Mother of babbling God

Thank you, Ron Artest, for shedding light on this important and over-looked issue. Not to make light of what I assume is serious problem on the other side of the world (and graphic as well, if that video is any indication), but what the hell is going on here? I'm asking.

Two videos with no connection

Amusing.


Hard Copy investigated the hell out of a Nine Inch Nails music video 20-odd years ago. "Nine Inch Noise" indeed.

A letter to the pro-lifers I see everyday

My commute each day takes me past a Planned Parenthood. Most days I see you, plodding along just outside the painted line indicating private property, sign in hand or hanging from your neck. Usually these signs include some variation of the words baby and murder -- thanks for not having those huge gross photo ones. I try not to make eye contact with you as I ride past. But I notice you mostly. I see you so much you are blending into the background.

Yesterday you weren't there. Was it because it was raining? Does the "40 Days of Life" campaign only include sunny days? Not to be too quick to judge someone of course, because you have been there on other bad weather days. But yesterday there was an attractive young girl going into the clinic -- if you had been there to shout and chase her she may have reconsidered the possibility of two lives ruined.

One time I saw a girl screaming at you as she rode by on her bike in the opposite direction. Something along the lines of "Get a life!" Which is an interesting choice of words, don't you think? That must have been exciting. Does it satisfy you to draw the occasional strong reaction? To me walking up and down the street with signs seems like a boring way to spend the day, so the occasional heckler might spice things up.

Still, I wonder what it is that motivates you to brave the elements everyday (yesterday excepted of course). Do you see yourselves making a difference in the lives of these girls, and more importantly for you I suspect, the lives of the unborn? Perhaps you recently saw the movie "Juno" and think that you can inspire a bittersweet movie-style ending for a live family-type unit? There's one guy that is always mumbling an unrecognizable prayer -- are you speaking God's honest truth? Or are you just a nutbag?

Quotes and a question on the World Series

One year after New York had its 13-year string of reaching the postseason stopped, the Yankees did what everyone expected them to do - spend money. And spend they did, as they paid a combined $423.5 million last winter for the services of three players: starting pitchers CC Sabathia (7-years, $161 million) and A.J. Burnett (5-years, $82.5 million) and first baseman Mark Teixeira (8-years, $180 million).
The moves paid off, as the Yanks returned to the postseason after winning the AL East for the 10th time in the last 12 years with a major league best 103 wins.

-Seattle Post-Intelligencer

"It's like a nothing city. It's just insignificant in comparison to New York."
Another Yankee fan, Laura Nidelle, 24, insists the Yuengling-slinging rubes in Philly are uncultured and uninteresting -- and go to bed too early.
"I briefly lived in Philadelphia and I couldn't wait to get out," the Brooklyn writer said. "Their fans are whiners, the food is lousy and there is nothing to do.

-New York Post

According to investigators, Finkelstein posted an ad on the website Craigslist that read:
"DESPERATE BLONDE NEEDS WS TIX (Philadelphia)
"Diehard Phillies fan--gorgeous tall buxom blonde-- in desperate need of two World Series Tickets. Price negotiable--- I'm the creative type! Maybe we can help each other!"
After that ad was posted an undercover officer responded and, police say, Finkelstein offered to perform various sex acts in exchange for World Series tickets.

-6abc

Standing between the Yankees and their 27th World Series title are the Philadelphia Phillies, the defending champions. This is a club made of steel, playing some of the best ball in the history of franchise. What they lack in certain departments is made up for in guts and resolve; for the Phillies, no lead is insurmountable. Opponents pay dearly for leaving them even the tiniest windows of opportunity – just ask the Los Angeles Dodgers, who were an out away from levelling the National League Championship at two games apiece when Jimmy Rollins blew away Jonathan Broxton with a game-winning double. It's no wonder the American football-loving locals have fallen for this club – even their fiercest enemies can't help but admire what this franchise has accomplished after a long legacy of losing.

-Guardian

Here we have an attempt at the rare Symbiotic Trapezoid Quote. The topic is the World Series, underway tonight in the Bronx. The storylines and characters are primed for the best fall classic since Giants-Angels in 2002. Clutch hitters, proven starting pitching, intangibles and abstract abilities above normal for both. But you know all that.

What intrigues me, besides of course homerism, are matters of relative culture and geography. Like Boston, Philadelphia is a little brother to New York. Anyone who has spent a significant amount of time thereabouts can vouch for this. There is a certain East Coast similarity, but far be it from me to make any hard comparisons lest I get jumped by a drunk Philadelphian with a chip on his shoulder, or a roman candle shot in my eye while climbing a tree.

When viewed through the lens of television, the sibling dynamic between the two cities is easy. New York is a dominant cultural force, while dismissing Philly's efforts as cute at best. Which may or may not be accurate (It is). The point is the Phillies take an underdog role to the Yankees juggernaut. Objectively on the field it's arguable whether this is correct -- The Phillies won it all last year, and with few exceptions this Yankees team hasn't won anything. But its not cool to be contrarian, so running out the string on that argument would be pointless.

But where else can I go with this? Sports fans as religious fanatics? I suppose that could be hacked out, but I want to get this thing posted before the start of Game 1. No -- as much as I want to create a "sports orthodoxy" rankings or some such gibberish, that will have to come later, after I've had a bit to drink while watching college gymnastics on the Big Ten Network.

So nevermind that. The question I want answered is this: "If the Phillies win the World Series, will it ease the city's collective inferiority complex in regard to New York?" I'm leaning toward "indubitably."

Navel Gazing

It feels like I've been stuck in a rut the past month or so and I don't know why exactly -- a combination of shitty weather and encroaching ennui. Bottom line is something needed to be done to shake things up. A sudden jolt to the system to increase vitality. I considered buying a last minute ticket to Chicago for college homecoming weekend, but did not. Instead a group of miscreants from around here will be traveling to the middle of bumblefuck Pennsylvania -- a cabin miles from anything. Hopefully someone will bring a gun to fire into the mountain. I'm not sure if "the cabin" has ever been mentioned here before ... it is a thing, that's for sure. Schwab mentioned it in a comment that had nothing to do with the post, I think.

Anyway, that's the fucking plan. An escape from realitosis, if you will -- maybe not a full retaking of collegiate self-destruction, but damn close and with fewer Indians and Jews. I know what you are probably thinking -- what does this have to do with a baby holding a gun in its mouth? There is a reason, but I won't put it out there at this point, because it doesn't make a whole of sense.



Changing the subject to ennui's vindictive German cousin, schadenfruede, go read this interview with Bronson Pinchot, in which he hates on such luminaries as Tom Cruise and Denzel Washington from the perspective of a coworker. It's been tearing up the Web the past week or so, the consensus being it is one of the best "Random Roles" outside of this one with Teri Garr, where she talks shit about someone, questions herself, and then says "Fuck it, he's dead."

GoodPhillies

Later, Shane Victorino beat Don Mattingly to death and buried the body in upstate New York. Is that a good, sense-making metaphor? Probably not, because Henry Hill is clearly a "fan" in this video and not a member of the team. Although he is cheering "Jimmy" who in the movie is a member of his criminal "team." So maybe Hill represents some teammate of Rollins, cheering from the dugout. But he is in the shower, so that doesn't work. Perhaps its a teammate who is in the locker room shower? This is all very confusing.

Another overthought note: It was a bummer when I realized that throwaway post yesterday about the exploding, flying anvil pushed grant's 20-spot on living in Africa down the page. I mean, grant's thing was real actual content, not just regurgitation. Although in fairness, the lone joke I bothered to write was not plagiarized from an Internet message board or anything like that. Original words and sentence structure! Then I decided the juxtaposition of real-life adventures in Uganda with a video about a "world champion anvil shooter" is at least fitting, if not appropriate. Also if you are inclined you can read more Africa stuff at the excitingly named Adventures of Grant and Ann. It has pictures.

News you can use: Flying Anvils edition

They said man wasn't meant to make an anvil fly 200 feet in the air via explosion. They were wrong.

African Booty Scratcher

I've been in Kampala, Uganda for about 3 weeks now. I'm doing HIV/AIDS research at the Infectious Disease Institute (IDI) and Mulago Hospital. I'll be here until June 1st, 2010 at which point I will fly to Amsterdam for a week. Back in the US on June 8th. I have some observations that I'd like to share. If anything seems of poor taste please consider the humor and/or frustration. Realize that I am one of those bleeding heart liberals and as such am immune to any accusations of being racist, sexist, etc.


Denial is a river in Uganda.

1. There are a lot of black people here. I'm serious.
2. Because I am white, everyone stares at me. Little kids always say "hi/bye mzungu" which translates to white person. Some literally come up to me and want to touch me. Strange.
3. I walk through a shanty town to work. I will admit that I get nervous. It doesn't help that a number of the whities who have taken this path previously have been robbed at some point in their stay here. I need to find a new path.
4. Drivers in Africa follow no rules. Crossing the street (no crosswalks) is like Frogger. My girlfriend considered buying a car for the time we're here. I must say she's is out of her damn mind.
5. There is a strange fascination with country music amongst some of the population. They also have a thing for 80's and 90's music. I'm having some major flashbacks to elementary, junior and senior high. Listening to Africans sing along with shitty American music is both hilarious and sad. Maybe one day they'll discover something like Mastodon. Maybe it's my duty to introduce them.
6. I watched Uganda's equivalent to the NBA. I know two players on a club team here and went to one of their games. One of the guys is apparently Uganda's highest paid athlete and he makes about $35,000 a year or so. That's pretty good here. The game was played outdoors at the YMCA...tar court, mattresses against the wall under the basket, wood backboards, and a really annoying announcer. The fans are hilarious with their heckling...basically because they speak with an accent and use ridiculous phrases that are more polite than heckle. This wouldn't fly in the US. "Pass the ball, you do not need to be the superstar in this game." My girlfriend yelled out "bullshit" after a call and I didn't know if that would fly. I wanted to quote Coming to America during a lull in the action "yes, yes in his face" but realized that no one would get the reference. A few of the players were pretty good and could probably play D1. Not sure about the pros though. Only 7 foot Africans get to play in the NBA. It's a rule.
7. The beer here sucks. What I would give for an IPA or Pale Ale. All they drink are lagers. They all taste the same, which is to say like piss.
8. Classic Ugandan food is not the best. My only exposure to it is at the IDI canteen for lunch every weekday. It consists of posho (solidified corn meal), rice, matoke (mashed plantains), potatoes, kasava (a tasteless root), sweet potatoes, as well as your choice of a protein (fish, chicken, beef, beans or g nut sauce). I usually go for the beans or g nut sauce. G nuts (ground nuts) basically taste like peanuts. However the sauce doesn't taste like peanut butter; still, it is tasty. Can't complain as it costs about $0.25 or $0.50 for lunch. I suppose the fresh fruit is pretty nice too, however I'm tired of bananas.
9. I eat at an Indian restaurant multiple times a week. There are numerous in the city and it is my meal of choice. Large South Asian presence here.
10. I thought all Africans were skinny. There are some hefty women here...not American hefty, but still. It must be all the carbs in their food.
11. The internet is slow as shit. Honestly, it's like we're back on dialup with AOL.
12. My apartment. How often does the water need to shut off? Can we go a whole week with running water, is that too much to ask? The blackouts get annoying too. At least we have flashlights and it typically is back in a few hours. The water will go out for days at a time. Not good when you sweat like a pig and it's dusty as hell. We have backup water for showers and toilet in the form of giant water jugs. Loads of fun.
13. Laundry. Yeah, I'll be doing this by hand. Awesome.
14. Wildlife. Crazy ass birds everywhere. Some people also have goats and chickens in their yards and/or roaming around the neighborhood. This is in a city of 1.5-2 million! The best was when I saw a herd of longhorn cattle walk by me on my road as I was getting dropped off by a taxi. Honestly, wtf?


15. People try to rip me off because I am white. This is usually the taxi and boda (motorbike taxi) drivers. Getting better at bartering.
16. Things fall into disrepair and basically stay that way. The roads are terrible. The sidewalks too. Although sidewalks are a luxury. Usually I'm walking down the side of the road hoping not to get hit by something. That's the way they do it, so I guess I need to get used to it.
17. The city is really interesting in that it is built on numerous hills. Basically the richest live at the top. The poor are at the bottom. The poverty here is eye opening. We are pretty lucky in the US, but honestly the way things are going (rich punking the poor over and over and over...) we might end up similarly. I'm looking forward to a post-apocalyptic world. This is assuming it happens in my lifetime.
18. Everyone has cell phones and they buy minutes as they need them. Much better system for those of us who never talk on the phone and overpay for the service in the US.
19. I never understood the impact of HIV/AIDS until now. It's such a minor problem in the US, but it is everywhere here. We really need to find a cure. There shouldn't be children living with HIV due to no fault of their own.
20. This really is an interesting place and it's starting to grow on me. I do miss some of the things we take for granted in the US, but it's an experience I'll never forget. Being here for 8 months will allow me plenty of time to explore East Africa. I'm looking forward to the many trips we plan to make while here. Especially those dealing with monkeys and apes...

Rollins no punk

Its always a good day when long-time Philly sports columnist and surfer Bill Conlin uses the term "spiked jackboots" in a column. When it comes after a improbable walk-off win over the Dodgers, all the better. In fact, that column is epic -- just like last night's game. Not that I would know, because I fell asleep.

Terrible. The only excuse is that I am still recovering from the binge I went on after the Game 2 loss. Which was what, 4 days ago? It's a bit hazy. I do remember screaming in a friend of mines' face at the bar. And running after some weird long-haired white animal that was later determined to be a skunk. Good times. Where was I?

Oh right:

Some nights you get the Big Dodger in the Sky. And some nights the Big Dodger in the Sky gets you.