For your consideration
Submitted for your consideration and my catharsis: Which is "worse" -- that 4 Fast 4 Furious dominated its opening box office weekend, or that the World Fucking Champion Philadelphia Phillies were booed in the second inning of their home opener. Both upset me on an an vaguely guttural level. Let's just lay out what's wrong.
4 Fast 4 Furious is a successful movie
Yes I know that isn't technically the name of the "film." But Jesus H. tap-dancing Christ, you cannot simply add/remove the articles from a film title, and expect not to be mocked. It has got to be some kind of rule. I thought I lived in a world where there was no possibility of a movie called The Batman. Now I'm not so sure.
It's probably true that 4F4F (terrible) has plenty of thrills, spills and probably kills. Still, as one reviewer said, "The plot is utterly incomprehensible, but the legions of street racing fans hopped up on NOS and Full Throttle energy drink aren't going to care." Ha ha energy drinks, ZING.
This flick is just one more step in the dumbing down of the American cineplex, where mediocre drivel is hailed as groundbreaking. Also, it means the continued viability of both Vin Diesel and Paul Walker as "film actors," a tragedy in its own right.
Phillies booed
THEY JUST FUCKING WON THE WORLD SERIES YOU DUMB ASSHOLES. THE FIRST CHAMPIONSHIP IN THIS TOWN SINCE 1893 OR SOME SHIT. THAT BUYS SOME SORT OF GRACE PERIOD, YOU CUNTS. THERE ARE 162 GAMES IN A BASEBALL SEASON. THIS ISN'T YOUR PRECIOUS EAGLES. LOOK ON THE GODDAMN BRIGHT SIDE OF SOMETHING, FOR ONCE IN YOUR PATHETIC, GREEDY LIVES.
Indeed. Anyone want to start a vacation travel service to go boo Donovan McNabb in his daily off-season activities? It would be a gold mine.
In conclusion: I'm going to see/do both of these things very soon, and will enjoy them. It's a race to the bottom and Ima gonna win.
4 comments:
I take offense to the last line. Leave Wario out of this. He only boos the Phillies because he secretly wants to murder the Phanatic and wear his skin--mascot!
Sorry if that's too weird. The all-caps yelling tends to unhinge me. It reminds of a goat, bleating wildly.
Also, fuck Braves.
Ha. Wario. Delightful.
In conclusion, the movie is worse. The boos were an instinctive reaction based on years of watching Robert Person/Brandon Duckworth/Jon Lieber/insert name of another Phillies pitcher, but for the movie someone actually had to think "Hey, you know what is a good idea? Another Fast and Furious movie!" Gold.
Point on instincts conceded. But I still think they are stupid instincts.
Also I would like to think that the booing was some sort of referendum on Myers' domestic tendencies, but clearly Tyler Green and/or Pat Combs was more of a factor.
Sorry for the yelling.
Post a Comment