A few predictions regarding baseball

To commemorate the start of the baseball regular season, here's something for every team. We can only hope for the same level of prognostic success I had in forecasting the last season of The Wire.

AL East
Tampa Bay Rays - Promising future for young, talented team ends in tragedy when bandwagon fans take next logical step from "rayhawks" and start scalping opposing fans.
Baltimore Orioles - Finally bounce back from retirement of Cal Ripken 8 years ago to finish fourth in division.
Boston Red Sox - Red Sox Nation finally gains the sovereignty it has worked so long and hard for after the battle of Lowell.
Toronto Blue Jays - How about that Roy Halladay? He'd look good on whatever team you happen to root for, eh?
New York Yankees - Miss playoffs for second straight year because "Yankee mystique" was based on old stadium, not stocking roster with overpriced frauds.

AL Central
Cleveland Indians - Continue to sell out home games regularly, because what the hell else are you going to do in Cleveland.
Chicago White Sox - Owner Jerry Reinsdorf ignores conventional wisdom to hold a 30-year anniversary event dubbed "Disco Demolition Night 2: The Breakening"
Minnesota Twins - Commemorate final year of the Metrodome by having another solid season of above .500 baseball based on strong fundamental play.
Detroit Tigers - Magglio Ordonez finally learns Brandon Inge's name, but still calls him bendejo.
Kansas City Royals - Just glad baseball has not yet adopted the European soccer concept of "relegation" in which the three worst teams are sent down to a lower echelon league.

AL West
Oakland A's - Jack Cust hits 30 home runs to the delight of fantasy baseball owners.
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim - Chone Figgins gets the 73 singles he needs to pass Bobby Grich for seventh place on the team's all-time list.
Seattle Mariners - In strange case of life almost imitating art, Ken Griffey Jr. forced to retire due to radiation poisoning.
Texas Rangers - Tom Hicks is impeached as owner of the team because of war crimes, and George W. Bush takes over.

NL East
Philadelphia Phillies - Worst record ever for World Series champion tempered by every win coming in absurd, 7-run behind fashion.
Atlanta Braves - Management makes critical error of underestimating the importance of Mike Hampton.
New York Mets - Another September collapse, this time with more hilarious crying.
Florida Marlins - Crack researchers finally crack the code of why anyone would think playing baseball in July in South Florida is a good idea. The answer may surprise you.
Washington Nationals - Promotional tie-in day for new slugger Adam Dunn based on nickname "Big Donkey" goes horribly awry.

NL Central
Chicago Cubs - Win World Series. Ha ha, just kidding, actually Lou Piniella will have a heart attack mid-season when Alfonso Soriano asks him how to bunt.
Milwaukee Brewers - Prince Fielder's vegetarian diet gains popularity in Wisconsin, surpassing that of former culinary leader Jeffrey Dahmer.
St. Louis Cardinals - Albert Pujols suffers severe emotional damage from hecklers telling him to "put it in her Pujols" all season despite his wife's refusal to do anal.
Houston Astros - That stupid ass train thing they have at their stadium derails, killing hundreds.
Cincinnati Reds - Forgettable season highlighted only by Edwin Encarnacion dying his hair blond in an ill-conceived attempt to pick up the sexy ladies of Cincinnati.
Pittsburgh Pirates - City unites behind team after pitcher Ian Snell dies in tragic smelting accident, only to forget about them once football preseason starts.

NL West
Arizona Diamondbacks - Ride strong pitching and situational hitting to another division title, even though they are all totally into dudes.
Los Angeles Dodgers - Manny being Manny takes bizarre turn when outfielder tries to incorporate his unrequited love of Miley Cyrus into fielding fly balls.
San Francisco Giants - Fans, management wistfully remember the Will Clark era.
San Diego Padres - Effort to reach out to the nearby Naval Base doesn't work as well as planned due to unfortunate misspelling in ad campaign dubbed "Balls with Seamen."
Colorado Rockies - Kaz Matsui gets in trouble with team, stadium sponsor when a picture of him shotgunning a can of Milwaukee's Best surfaces on the internet.


So there you have it, science.