This is why we can't be friends

You use the word bangin' as an adjective. If sentences like "This shrimp scampi dinner from Red Lobster is bangin'" I'm sorry. (edit: I also hate complete sentences, apparently)

You eat at Red Lobster, for that matter.

You harass coworkers about getting in on a Powerball jackpot pool. Spoiler alert: You are not going to win.

You update your facebook status with details of a recent vasectomy. Congratulations, you're sterile, and not the PM of New Zealand.

Your self-esteem is inexplicably high. No one cares about whatever the hell self-important bullshit you are blathering about today. Seriously, you work here part-time managing the interns, get over yourself.

You say things like "The Ladies Man is the funniest movie ever" and mean it.

Side commentary: Well, that's a nice little petulant list for a Wednesday. The goats are starving!