There won't be any ties

The World Cup quarterfinals start on Friday, at 10 a.m. with Brazil against Netherlands in one of two epic-on-paper matchups (also, Germany-Argentina). It's not exactly clear how much the goats know about soccer, so I'll try and keep it in a layman's voice. But know this: Drunken fans and the Roger the Irish bartender at the pub were quite impressed with my analysis during the US-Ghana game on Saturday. Through some miracle of geography and '80s youth soccer programs it was like living in a real "football" country. I even held my head in my hands with my elbows resting on the bar for the entirety of extra time.

It was certainly nice to have that game fall on the weekend, despite the loss. Which is to say it's taken determination and grit to keep to my average viewing of two hours of day. This is the top sporting event in the world, is how I justify cutting out on work and family to watch it. This is not an excuse that could be used for say, the College World Series. Oh sorry boss, had to watch one of the top thousand sporting events in the world, it's slightly less popular than the Canadian Curling Championships. The point is World Cup games happening during the 9 to 5 has diminished the potential viewing audience. But on the other hand, unemployed stoners love soccer, so it evens out.

There has been much griping about the referees, particularly by naive fans in the states about the lack of replay. There were some questionable offsides calls that cost us two goals, so yeah sure, bitch about it. But video replay is a terrible idea. I guess I'm a purist, ball-chip goal line technology is possibly acceptable but that is it. Getting calls wrong is part of the game. People were saying that the England non-goal against Germany was the referee revenge for something that happened in 1966! As an added bonus that particular egregious boner gave us an opportunity to see the Frank Lampard face. Dude does it at least once a game. Not surprising in how easy it was find on an image search. I kind of want to be this expression for Halloween.

Another thing I've enjoyed is the British announcers. Someone said something about the guy at the end of Layer Cake being Martin Tyler (awesome movie by the way). And then there is the continued brilliance of Ian "Go Go USA" Darke. It's like the game is being called by Dr. Who. "I'm 900 years old and I've come from the planet Gallifrey to call this football match." Too nerdy? They do have a particular cadence that US-based booth dudes lack. Also fun is the use of so many strange descriptions of players that end in man e.g. dangerman, talisman, starman, targetman. So sophisticated!

But what kind of rambling, ultimately pointless post would this be without some specific game breakdowns. It's not going to be as insightful as other things out there, Zonal Marking for example (worth it for the diagrams alone). Here we go:

Brazil-Netherlands (10 am ET)
Brazil have been mowing teams down much like the gangster children in the countries' favelas do to each other as depicted in "City of God." But Netherlands has the skill to play with them. Plus they just got Arjen "Mr. Glass" Robben (pictured top) back. Brazilian striker Luciano Fabiano's face looks like a skeleton and it bothers me. Prediction: Samba!

Uruguay-Ghana (2:30 pm ET)
I've always thought Ghana's nickname "Black Stars" was bit racist. Is this like where black people can say the n-word, but white people can't? Or is pointing out that I had this thought racist in itself. Uruguay? I got near nothing outside of Simpson's references. Uh, they are well-organized? Prediction: You are gay!

Germany-Argentina (Sat. 10 am ET)
Have I mentioned how fun it is to make jokes based on the history of the countries? It's a shame that Germany's blitzkreig wiped out England last round, because an Argentina-England game would open up the possibility of all sorts of Falkland's War references, which are comic gold. This game could be wildly entertaining with two attacking sides and the best player in the world in Lionel Messi. If you only watch one quarterfinal, make it this one just for the unintentional comedy that is manager Diego Maradona's life. Prediction: Terrifying neck scars!

Paraguay-Spain (Sat. 2:30 pm ET)
Spain leads the world in tiny midfielders who can possess the shit out of the ball. Paraguay leads the world in fans with huge boobs who have naked pictures all over the internet. It's a close call, really. Prediction: Breast implants!