giant robotic hard-on...

let's call transformers (the movie) what is really is. since i'm done with school for the summer, i figure i should start seeing some cheap matinee's. today was transformers...and i was pleasantly surprised. i had heard good things all around, but i never doubt michael bay's ability to put together total crapfests with big poop-splosions.

the very beginning had me worried when he sped through a little back story in blink and you missed it fashion followed by action sequence in the desert with, you guessed it, big explosions. it didn't help that pretty much the entire "special forces" squad couldn't act their way out of a paper bag...tyrese? negro please. and random white dude with cliche baby he's never seen at home...spare me...some of the one liners were so bad i already blocked them out of my memory, and i was sober! whatever happened to the good old days where arnold's one liners alone were worth the price of admission?

i must admit though...explosions are one thing. explosions brought upon by giant alien robots are something completely different. as long as they don't involve tom cruise in any way...or i suppose will smith either...speaking of will smith, apparently he is legend. and i'm not talking about the christian hardcore/rock/punk band, no i'm talking about i am legend, where mr. smith is apparently the last man on earth and he has to battle a bunch of vampires or something. now, i love vampire movies, and i always have. there was a period in my life where i seriously wanted to be one...i've even been to transylvania! but will smith battling vampires? come on. i'd rather see dj jazzy jeff in that role. cuba gooding jr. must have been busy making snow dogs 2 or something.

anyway...what did i like about transformers? let's list them out so i don't go on any more tangents...
1) Shia LeBeouf is hilarious...if he wasn't already a movie star, i'd say he should try to save SNL with andy samberg...oh but wait, they have goodburger dude...SNL is set for life. basically i have been holding out hope for this movie simply because shia was in it...and he didn't disappoint.
2) Megan Fox is hot.
3) Anthony Anderson is also hilarious. plus he was totally bad ass in the last few seasons of the shield.
4) John Turturro. Great actor. and he gets pissed on by an autobot (i forget which one...michael bay, i take back everything bad i've ever said about you...that my friend is comic [liquid] gold). i can't think of a movie where he didn't satisfy. although he has lost points for the bronx is burning on espn...i could care less about the f'n yankees. stupid espn, you suck big time...with the exception of baseball tonight.


so yeah, go see transformers. it's the type of movie you need to see on the big screen. typical michael bay, but with actors who can actually entertain (unlike the will smith and martin lawrence tag team).

previews (that i can remember)
1) Balls of Fury - ping pong, christopher walken, patton oswalt, some fat dude who's probably funny...need i say more?
2) rush hour 3 - thope said it best when talking about ice cube movies, specifically friday...chris tucker's schtick is very old. especially when paired with jackie chan. i'd rather just watch him get stoned and mess with big worm.
3) i am legend - i already gave this my two cents. will smith is weak sauce.
4) untitled j.j. abrams project - some sort of monster flick ala godzilla...but hopefully better. also see this and this. i have my fingers crossed for p.diddy covering led zeppelin again. movie has potential.

and this post wouldn't be complete without some random video...make sure you watch until the end.