A pistol-whippingly good time

Here's a little hypothetical for you:

You ever have one of those nights where you don't really have any plans, and then all of a sudden its 11:30 and you are at some kids house and everyone is drinking Jack Daniels straight from the bottle and there is a skateboard without wheels set up as a balance board with which you can break your ass? No?

If you ever do find yourself in such a situation be sure to not go out to the bars and get so drunk that you can't even ride your bike home without falling in the middle of the street. Because if you do that and are lying there laughing at yourself some guy might come up and stick a gun in your face and demand that you empty your pockets.

But if that does happen mere blocks from your apartment you might want to just fidget in your pockets for a while in a vain attempt to only give the mugger a couple dollars. Of course he mugger will likely demand you go faster. When that happens you can respond with "Just shoot me motherfucker. Fucking shoot me."

This little bit of reverse psychology/drunken masochism will certainly throw your assailant off for a moment. Then he will pistol whip you in the face, breaking your nose, and run off. After returning home and cleaning up the blood, be sure to call a friend's voicemail at 2 am, saying something like: "Dude, just got jumped. I told the guy to shoot me. He didn't. [incoherent mumbling]. See you at The Wrestler."

And then you can enjoy several months of agoraphobia.