The fun machine took a shit and died

For my money, Queens of the Stone Age is one of the most underrated bands around. Critically acclaimed sometimes, their brand of stoner rock could be described by me as the red-headed stepchild of The Stooges and Led Zeppelin, with Frank Zappa as their weekend daddy.


Frontman Josh Homme says they wanted to create "a heavy sound based on a solid jam, and just pound it into your head"

Well said from the man who penned these lyrics:

Nicotine, Valium, Vicodin, Marijuana, Ecstasy and Alcohol.
Cocaine.

Those are the only words in the entire song.
Combine that with their kind-of trademark driving bassline and you truly do create the "Feel Good Hit of the Summer" (off their second album, Rated R)


Many would refer to this type of music as "stoner rock" but Homme rejects the label due to his hatred of Monster Magnets' epic jam "Space Lord"
Just kidding, here's the real reason:

The term sucks. The only element of the audience I want to get rid of is the shirtless, sweaty, maxi-mullet jock dudes. We want sex to bleed into the music. At our shows, we want to see half boys and half girls in a utopian world, dancing and drinking.

Well said brother.

By far Queens of the Stone Age best album is "Songs for the Deaf" released in 2003. It was the only album with Dave Grohl on drums. And is widely-regarded as one of the best hard rock albums since the turn of the century. It's was described as "genre-demolishing" and QOTSA were hailed as our new metal gods. The opening track "You Think I Ain't Worth a Dollar, But I Feel Like a Millionaire" kicks it off strong and fast, and it keeps going all the way until the final hidden ballad, "The Mosquito song" (warning: crazy amateur video)


You may remember the popular "No one knows" but for my money (And I feel like a Millionaire) Go with the Flow was its best single.



But after SOTD Grohl left the band to film more Mentos-themed videos for the Foo Fighters and bassist Nick Olivieri was kicked out for excessive partying or beating on his girl (internet searches inconclusive).

QOTSA then put out the somewhat lackluster and definitely depressing "Lullabies to Paralyze" in 2005.

But now they just released their fifth album with a fifth different line-up. Reviews I've read have been positive. So I picked it up today. How can you resist an album with cover art like this:

Carlos Beltran eats babies

Yeah, per A-Rob's request, I tried to come up with some photoshop action of Jose Reyes getting shivved. Didn't really work out. It's really hard to do blood in PS.

I did come up a couple things that I'm less than excited about, including the internet memetastic image above. It's no Barry Bonds as gorilla or even a blinged out Jimmy Rollins, but whatever.

I can still fantasize about Chase bringing a bat out into the field with him during the all star game and breaking the legs (or face) of Jose Reyes and David Wright both.

The city that loves you back

I'm unaware of the geographical makeup of the Fainting Goats fan base, but I do know the origins: Philadelphia. We're at a low right now: without a professional championship (in the four major sports) since 1983, a homicide count currently at the 200 mark, and we've lost the title of being the 5th most populous city in the United States to Phoenix. One thing has us looking up, literally: the new addition to the skyline, the Comcast Center, will be the tallest building between New York and Chicago, barely towering over some building in the city Ichiro would rather get punched in the face than have to spend time in. Things will turn around, I can feel it, especially with our mayor on the job, oh actually, he's in line for a new iPhone.

That being said, how about a video:



Fucking right.

The Mutts are in town and I'd like to see some quality photoshop work of Jose Reyes getting shived by JRoll or something. Damn I hate the Mets.

I'll leave you with one last link: test your mouse skills with this winner.

Phriday Philler

First we got this collection of some of the most influential photos of all time. Some serious thought-provoking stuff there. A warning though, some of its pretty intense.

And to lighten things up check out this webcomic about the crazy adventures of fruits and vegetables. I don't know what the point of it is, but it made me chuckle.

Lets see, what else? There's this video of a businessman going nuts in a hotel lobby. Can you say epic meltdown? I don't think he needs any more coffee, but you never know. Feel sorry for the woman who is trying to calm him down. Also it's probably fake.

Oh man that is fucking classic. What is with his SPELLING!

Thats it for now, I'll be back next week with more of the barely coherent blog posts you've come to know and tolerate.
IAN WHERE ARE YOU!

While the sinners sin, the children play

Well, the NBA draft is happening tonight. A friend of mine at the paper I work for is in MSG covering it. I had suggested to him blogging from the draft, which would have been freaking awesome. Unfortunately the suits at the NBA got wind of it and put the kibosh on that (live blog that is). He is still making some posts, just not during the actual telecast, check it out at the www.dailylocal.com sports tab, plus then you can see the amazing graphic I made. Not gonna post the link, unfortunately, because the fainting goats probably shouldn't show up on the tracking logs at work.

But anyway, I'm going to do a shitty liveblog, purely out of spite. Fuck you NBA. If you want to see a much better liveblog, check out Bethlehem Shoals over at Deadspin.

Here we go:

They just interviewed Joakim Noah and his suit does not disappoint. I'm pretty sure he just got Jeff Daniels tux from Dumb and Dumber modified fit him bleached. That is the greatest thing I have seen this week. Pic is likely coming. Here it is, with bonus Stu Scott action!

The blazers pick Oden, because THAT'S WHAT THEY HAD TO DO /SAS
He was putting on hand sanitizer so as to not get commissioner Stern sick. Just an outstanding human being.

Wow, they just announced the Celtics are trading for Ray Allen, just giving up the fifth pick, Delonte West and Wally Szerbiak. The Sports Guy's head just exploded.

Durant goes 2, no surprise there. So the sonics will have Jeff Green and Kevin Durant to go with Shard. Not too shabby.

And with the third pick the Hawks take Al Horford. The 47th year in a row Atlanta has taken a forward with their first pick.

Memphis is on the clock. My gut and the leaked info from ESPN says they take Mike Conley Jr. 100% correct. AND we have the obligatory interview with Mike Conley Sr.

Alright this is fucking lame. I hate doing this liveblog shit. I've made my point so that's it for now. Clearly the NBA has learned its lesson? I may post something later, like after the sixers pick. PEACE

And two hours later I'm back. The sixers drafted THADDEUS Young and Daequan Cook, but supposedly Cook is getting traded for some white big guy (Jason Smith).

But the real point I want to make here is the international incident in the making that is Yi Jianlian getting drafted by Milwaukee. How many more of our pets will be poisoned by imported dog food before Yi can go to a city that doesn't suck?

Also the Phillies are in the bottom of the 10th and rain is pouring down. Chris Wheeler is personally offended by the puddles in the infield. BUT Jroll just hit a gapper with two men on to end it. FA REAL.

Now lets see who the sixers take with their third first round pick. Until that happens, I'm going to look for a good video to cap this off with.

Petteri Koponen! Finns forever.

And to cap it off, here's the dramatic groundhog Kill Bill remix.

The tail.. errr... tale of two Tysons

Welly-welly-well! After almost a year of loyalty to Fainting Goats, I've been granted posting access so I, too, can share my thoughts and opinions on various topics, or, simply get real wasted and put down the first thing that comes to mind and then erase it the next day when I regain composure. Like that time THope and I ran into sideburns at Kildare's in the Dub-C...

Alright, I digress. I didn't know what to talk about to pop my posting cherry. I still have no idea what I want to talk about, I just want to lose my blogging virginity and get it over with. Kind of like the girl in junior high who would date an older guy just so he would take advantage of her and she could be the first in her group of friends to get laid. Then she gets knocked up in 8th grade and has to leave 5th period early to get an ultrasound. Pretty sure that girl went no where in life, which is probably the fate of my blogging career.

Any who, here's a video compilation of Iron Mike Tyson, most of which from before he gave that girl VD, set to the tune of "Final Countdown" by Europe.



And for something completely different, here's an English Bulldog, named Tyson, skateboarding.



Well, that's all I have at the moment. Expect more gems like this in the future.

Yeah, thats good

Congrats everybody, we are well on our way to setting the record for most contributors who never contribute to a blog. But don't worry, I don't have anything better to do. Except drink, but I can do that and this at the same time.




"Ohh baby, you are so talented. And they are so DUMB"







Anyway, steroid-fueled reader Dan, probably the only regular visitor who doesn't have posting priviledges, linked to video in the comments about the new microsoft tabletop computer thingy. I was going to post it up here, but then realized I was bored less than a minute in and this isn't Gizmodo. Although if I ever do get one of these surface doo-dads (not likely on a journalist salary) I would be all like "There hasn't been a murder in six years. The system, it is perfect" or "Everybody runs, Fletch. Everybody runs"



But anyway, my point?
This video of course. Because I enjoy the mocking of things I can't afford.

drunk

I wanted to post a video of Carlos Ruiz (Phillies catcher) stealing home, but sadly it was unavailable. Failing that, I wanted to post a video of Laser Dragon University. But it is unembedable. Jerks. Then I watched the first 15 seconds of this and thought it was kind of cool. So here it is in lieu of some sort of coherent post.


Sorry but I went out for my roommates 24th birthday Tuesday night and I got nothing else.

Fucking Yeti.

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!1!!1!1

Here's that Benny Fielhaber goal that beat Mexico on Sunday. The call isn't as good as Max Bretos' on Fox Soccer Channel. But I think fainting goats was missing a dude screaming goal in spanish.

A decision that tears at the very fabric of society

Today the Supreme Court ruled against the "Bong Hits for Jesus" kid. In case you hadn't heard, a high school kid displayed this sign when the Olympic torch passed through on its way Salt Lake City in 2002.

Now that is just some good old fashioned fun! But apparently the sign could be interpreted as promoting drug use, and the supreme court agrees that the term "bong hits" could refer to the smoking of drugs.
It's news to me:

Student Joseph Frederick said the banner's language was meant to be nonsensical and funny, a prank to get on television as the Winter Olympic torch relay passed by the school in Juneau, Alaska.
But school officials say the phrase "bong hits" refers to smoking marijuana. Principal Deborah Morse suspended Frederick for 10 days because she said the banner advocated or promoted illegal drug use in violation of school policy.

Well at least someone is looking out for the children. Bong hits 4 Jesus? Jesus twern't no hippie you damn dirty, uh, hippies!

But seriously, why is the highest court in the land ruling on the interpretation of the phrase bong hits? Isn't their other things they can be doing -- like awarding Anna Nicole Smith her late husband's estate or deciding a presidential election. You know, important stuff.

I can't wait til they ban talking about drugs on the internets.

Ahhhhhhh....greh. Whatever.

You know Jesus got high.

Turn and face teh strange

I took a little break from posting on here. I was thinking, "hey maybe one of the other 'authors' will put something up." Not surprisingly, no one did. You lazy fucks.

So in the interest of not really having a point, here's a couple things I've been mulling -- besides the United States beating Mexico for the Gold Cup (soccer matters). Both of the following have been mentioned before (not necessarily by me, but the blagosphere is ad nauseum).

The Wire is so fucking good. I've been watching the old episodes on DVD to catch up before the fifth and final season.

As the season approaches I'll probably offers some more in depth stylings, character analysis, themes -- you know -- all that smart guy stuff. But for now, enjoy this video, especially if you've never seen it.

It's the entire first episode of season four. Hope you have an hour to kill.

I don't want to ruin it for you, but lets just say Snoop doesn't use that nail gun for what you think. Also, that opening scene is classic "Wire" in how it shows the interaction between the "straight" world and the "street" world. Home depot dude is totally befuddled.



Has anyone ever sold out more rapidly than the Black Eyed Peas?
One minute they were recording tracks like "Where is the love?"


The next minute they are changing the the lyrics of "Let's Get Retarded" to "Let's get it started" for a shitty NBA playoff promo. Yes, worse than David Blaine.

Fergie is fucking awful. My Humps? London Bridge? I will not post or link to either of those crimes against humanity.
And don't get me started on "Fergielicious."
What does that even mean? Can she only be described by a word combining her name and -licious? At least Beyonce can back up bootylicious claims with visual evidence.

From now on I will excuse all my actions by describing myself as thopetastic.

Nomo's got nothing on this guy

The glorious empire of Nippon has done it again!
This time in baseball form:


That was not a strike.

I am totally mailing it in this week

After reading the top 100 best-reviewed Sci-Fi movies of all time today on rotten tomatoes -- because that's, you know, research for my job -- I hit up Circuit City looking for Children of Men or Brazil on DVD. No dice. Apparently visions of post-apocalyptic and Orwellian futures aren't big enough sellers to keep them in stock. More like Circuit Shitty. ZING!

So after resisting an impulse to buy The Wire: Complete Second Season on DVD (Only 59.99, what a deal!) I spotted the South Park The Hits: Volume 1. I was incredulous at first, but picked it up anyway. Oh man check out the back of the box:

"People always ask us, 'What's your favorite episode?' And I say, 'It's so hard. It's like choosing between your children.' But then I would have no problem choosing between my children. It would be the tall, smart one."

So true. Plus the ten episodes are some of the most memorable -- like Towelie, Trapped in the Closet, Awesome-O, Best Friends Forever, Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset, and of course --
Scott Tenorman Must Die.

Laugh out loud cats

This video has been around the block, LIKE YOUR MOM. rimshot
But anyway, its Pinky the cat!

Haha, right in the groin. That will never get old.



/lame

Nevermind me

YOU GOT THE TOUCH!


A quick note: Sorry to both of you who saw that post I put up early this morning drunk as all hell. I thought I had learned that the craziness that goes through my drunken head at 2am shouldn't be broadcast in any medium -- but then again, alcohol lowers inhibitions.
Anyway, the offending post that prompted a comment of only "dude" from TMoney has been removed from the halls of the Interwebs forever.

But if you are upset that you missed out, the old "Stuck in the middle with you" post is still available. Decipher that one, bitches!

Phriday Philler

"I'm sick of hearing bout the haves and the have nots. Have some personal accountability. The biggest problem with the way that we've been doing things is the more we let you have the less that I'll be keeping for me."
-Nine Inch Nails, "Capital G"


First, I am a big fan the term no knock search warrant. In other words, inept SWAT team members who barely graduated from middle school fire tear gas into your house, set it on fire, kill a dog then laugh. Just standard procedure to get criminals off the street.

But hey, if you don't get served with a no knock warrant, maybe you want to fly on a plane. Just watch out for those too-friendly TSA screeners. Good times.

Finally, have this ridiculous email exchange between Judd Apatow (director of Knocked Up and 40-year-old virgin) and Mark Brazill (writer for That 70s show). Get cancer indeed.

Thats it, to get psyched for the weekend enjoy some Powerthirst.

Phriday Philler early edition

For your consideration. Which of these two videos is funnier?
I LOLZ at both.

Votes and arguments in the comments.

Triumph the insult comic dog at the Tonys


Tommy Chong on the Colbert Report
edit: original got taken down -- here's another. You cannot stop the viral videos Viacom! Also, if this one goes down too, you can check it out here.

Complete abortion

Lets liveblog what is hopefully the end of the NBA season. Angelina Jolie on the Daily Show will have to wait til the 8 times it's on tommorrow. But I will toss up this most ridiculous of commercials.

There, there Billy, the Weatherman will tell us its OK.




So to the point. Its 66-64 with 4:50 to play. Hard to believe it has been nearly two months since WARRIORS.

Tony parker turns it over. Tied up. ANDERSON VERAJEO?

Ginobili for three. Fucking Argentina.

69-66 for about a minute off the clock.

I may be wrong, but Gregg Popovich just looks evil.

The Spurs just got three straight offensive rebounds. They have skeleton powers.

Duncan hits Oberto for the And1. This is unwatchable.

I think ABC actually wants me to turn the channel with the "Chuck and Larry" commercial. More Jessica Biel's ass!

And we're back.
Hey Mike Breen, I'm going out on a limb to say Tony Parker isn't the only one who wants this series to end tonight. It's probably everyone outside Cleveland. And in Cleveland.

Oberto converts the free throw. Duncan gets a steal, Oberto two. Oberto sounds like a type of tomato sauce is a type of beef jerky.

Lebron for three. YES. (this line brought to you by Marv Albert).

74-69 with 1:17 to play. Duncan fouled.

Ginobili drives and lays it in.

The only thing that can redeem this at this point is if Drew Gooden punches Ginobili in the throat. Malice at the Palace: Quicken Loans edition.

So who wants to firebomb a McDonalds? I demand the filet o' fish be removed from their menu.

OK the game. It's 76-71. Ginobili at the line for two. This shit is OVAH

I am gleefully anticipating a post game interview with Eva Longoria.

Ha Ha terrible foul on Ginobili. He hit Damon Jones on the head. Three free throws with 7.5 left. Still over unless King James uses sovereign powers.

Well clearly a timeout is necessary. Fuck you Merlin. Choke it away at the line.

Not gonna happen. We got some free throws from Ginobili. END IT.

Thank the sweet lord Jebus its over. Four titles for Duncan et al.

Tony Parker finals MVP? Best player in the series according to announcers Jeff Van Gundy and Mark Jackson, the only two people who watched it in its entirety.
Holla at yo boy TJ. And white dude.

Tim Duncan is eloquent.

Mild boos from the Cleveland crowd during the David Stern portion of the award ceremony warm the cockles of my unfeeling heart.

Fuck you San Antonio.

A few groundrules

There will be no random videos of young children singing "candy man" here at the fainting goats. Especially if it implies I am somehow involved.

Bottom line, no videos with one line of text unless you are me. Sorry.

If you want to see what dr.gpiece posted, go here.

Please -- keep it somewhat real my friend, like the post below.

Country Boner

so i'm going to pop my fainting goats posting cherry with something easy...when i finish finals next week i'll have the entire summer to annoy all of you with posts that may or may not amuse anyone but myself.

this video is hilarious for a number of reasons including the following: 1) makes fun of rednecks, 2) features clips of blazing saddles interspersed throughout, 3) the quote "johnny cash grabbed his ankles and he hollered when i poked him", and 4) it's maynard (of tool, apc, etc.) who is just a funny guy in general. enjoy.



ok, so i got one more video to add too...turtle power!