Death by Carrier Pigeon

Sorry for no posts this week. I have been tearing my hair out as we try to roll out a third (3rd) new Web site redesign since January '07 here at my paper. I'm pretty sure whoever is making these decisions is also in charge of the McCain campaign. Desperation.

So yeah, the usual schedule of posting goats during downtime at work has been disrupted by the lack of downtime. And Jebus knows the last thing I want to do is stare at more computer screens at home. My eyes hurt. But maybe there will be a NLCS something something something something today or tomorrow. Later.

W. T. F.

Happy Monday!

Pat the Bat, Pat

Geoff Geary: Ladykiller?

Sweet sweet NLCS. Somehow clinching is sweeter because it came within seconds of the Eagles losing to the Redskins. Meaning the fans at the football bar I was at could instantly find another bandwagon to jump on. But hey, no hangover this week!

As an aside: I'm leaning toward saying anyone who wears any kind of sports jersey on a regular basis is a complete jackass. And that includes players. It's tribal.

Anyway. Blanton's fat gives him strength.

Edit of note: Charlie Manuel refers to Burrell as "My Guy" in this article.

Sure

Voting is for suckers.

Mahalo

via Deadspin

Better than Hot Carl, I guess

The greatest walk of all times has the goats happy and full of life. Really, when a 9-pitch walk seems like the greatest thing to happen to your team in ages, things are bound to get a little wacky. Like when the diminutive best Hawaiian in the majors hits a bomb to all but send the upstart Brewers on their way home. It's almost enough to inspire some sort of weird half-assed narrative here. But not quite yet, maybe later.

Poor Brewers by the way, and not just cause they are from Milwaukee (sorry, couldn't resist). Just a little overmatched on paper, and worn down on the field from a brutal stretch run. You just get the feeling that maybe they are just happy to be there. Except for Craig Counsell, who is a robot made out of plastic and rubber.

Ha ha, Cubs

Yeah, so my enjoyment of the Phillies first playoff win in 15 years is only amplified by schadenfreude from the inevitable Cubs post-season collapse. At least they were treated to the vocal stylings of everyone's favorite living Belushi brother.

What more is there to say? It was a good game. Hamels=Good. I am collecting souvenir rally towels. Hopefully a few more before the season is over.

Where the magic happens

Well I was going to try and do some sort of NLDS Phillies-Brewers preview per Charles' request, but meh. I know it's relevant to many of your interests, so if you want something that may or may not contain facts go here, here, or even here.

Maybe there will be something tomorrow regarding the game I will be attending in six hours or so. Until then enjoy the drunken fan brawls. I know I will.



Hey look, they drink and yell in Milwaukee too. Who knew?

Fatty fat fat

In case you can't tell from that picture, those dolphins are terribly overweight. It's true. Apparently they have been snacking on increasingly-fatty mackerel, who have been slacking off and are not in fighting shape. (Mackerel are well known for their fighting ability you see). Undoubtedly the Mackerel have gotten lazy due to the increasing number of "dead zones" in the ocean, which means less competition for whatever it is that they eat. Ecology.

Anyway, dolphins:

Kinosaki Marine World in western Japan said Tuesday that all its 19 dolphins have been on a low fat diet since late August, when they started failing to hit jumping targets and keep upright while treading water.
"We were puzzled by their poor performance, then we noticed they looked rounder," said Haruo Imazu, the park spokesman.

First they were to give the dolphins liposuction, but then they realized thats stupid. So now they are on a new diet and increased exercise, which will hopefully get them back to being dol-THINS! Bahahahahaha. Gunshot.

Surreal Japanese hip-hop you say?

And yes, this is only here to push that awful picture of Prince Fielder down the page.

This is disturbing

Standing just out of frame? Ned Yost.

American Voter

Good luck!

Riding a white horse

"Hot death" would be a good way sum up the goats state of mind/body today. Coming into work still half-drunk is always a good thing. No words really, except that the bizarre craziness of 208 Audubon Manor will be documented. Not today, except to say watching selected scenes from Full Metal Jacket in reverse order is disorienting at best. Let's have a few links or something?

David Letterman has all the answers. Or none. I'm suspending all posts on presidential politics. Not really.

You know who wins at yelling? Samuel L. Jackson. Or if you prefer lists including videos to videos, here.

Earth ball

Funny comics

Whatever. Go Phillies.

Bail out THIS (motion toward crotch)

"Those rich fucks."
-Walter Sobchak

By now you've undoubtedly heard about the socialist nationalization of every financial institution in the world by Friday. It's not exactly clear what will happen if trillions of taxpayer dollars are not transferred to shifty-eyed bankers, but I am assured it will be terrible. Thousands of home foreclosures every month? Eskimo president? Random subway hammer attacks?

Some say that rushing into this poorly-vetted plan is a bad idea. To them, I say what other option is there? None. Until now. Yes that's right I have been hard at work in my slum-cell coming up with the surefire answer to this well-to-do crisis. Miller-Coors has been asked by states to abandon plans for Sparks Red -- a new version of their alcoholic energy drink enjoyed by bro-dudes everywhere. This new drink would allow collars to be popped with 40 percent more fierceness. Now? No.

Obviously this is a horrible mistake. So why not empty the treasury for something that people actually understand: Red Bull gives you wings. Imagine the advances that could be made in energy drink technology when it's combined with the full fiscal force of the American worker. I bet the national heart rate could be increased to 150 bpm, at minimum.

According to a comment I just read on Alternet, Rockstar energy drink is owned by a bunch of fascists -- namely commentator and radio host Michael Savage's son, Scott Evil. So that'd be great place to start implementing some Mussolini-style corporate government. EXTREME corporate government.

This plan would have world-wide effects, which should be not ignored or imagined. The increase in energy drink distribution and marketing alone could very well move us toward an idyllic Brawndo world of tomorrow. Picture thousands of crates of Crunk Juice air-dropped to needy Africans. Not to mention the increased productivity of bridge builders.

Now there will be naysayers. Wah wah, population growth. While the negative health effects of these fluorescent liquids are still hotly debated by scientists, I have a sneaking suspicion chemical sugar water may be bad for the cardiovascular or reproductive systems. Meaning more people would die sooner and also less babies would be born. Still. Better than the alternative.

Another video

Yes, the goats have been slacking/lazy over the past week or so. Sue me.

Merciful Friday

"When I used go out I would know everyone that I saw.
Now I go out alone if I go out at all."
-The Walkmen

Whew. It's been a long week and I am tired (of these motherfucking snakes). Just couldn't shake the eagles hangover, at all. Not to mention a bunch of work BULLSHIT that I don't really want to get into. It's stupid and boring and has been summed up here under different circumstances.

But yeah, this week was crazy in the news. Let's take a look back and see what's best to ignore.

FINANCIAL MELTDOWN!
The other shoe is finally dropping on the old "let's give out adjustable rate home loans to everyone with shitty credit, and then sell their debt up the ladder until it pervades the entire financial industry" strategy. Genius. I mean, how could that possibly fail? But it did and now China will soon own the entire country. Either that or magic fairy's will make it all vanish. This is why I don't have a 401k and invest all my savings in souvenir talking fish. Now that is a growth industry.
Ignorability: High, until the 400% inflation

PALIN HAXORSED!
Yes please /b/tards, give the McCain campaign more ammunition with which to play the victim card. Boo hoo, some one hacked into a free online e-mail account being used for state business. Surely no one could ever guess that super secret password, "popcorn." Anonymous needs to go back to harmless pursuits like supporting Ron Paul and holding anti-scientology rallies. Besides, doesn't the NSA already read everyone's e-mails?
Ignorability: Would be high, if not for the hilarity

PULL UP YOUR PANTS!
A Florida judge ruled that a ban on saggy pants is unconstitutional. Finally, someone is standing up for the poor, the beltless, and those who cannot afford suspenders. Also, the ban was racist.
Ignorability: Medium

IN PHILLY, CAN'T BE NO PUNK!
The local nine are back in front in the NL East. And with the Brewers ongoing meltdown, a berth in the post-season via division or wildcard is looking more likely by the day. Praise be to Rollins!
Ignorability: Regional

LIKE IKE!
Some hurricane hit Texas. Galveston got New Orleans-itized and may or may not be washed into the sea. Frankly, I wouldn't mind if it did. Does this mean climate change is real? Of course not.
Ignorability: Extremely high


That's it, I'm going to go stab myself in the eye with a paper clip. I can bend it to get both eyes at once! Talent!

Concievably, a post

The goats escaped from their pen earlier this week. Currently local cops are hilariously chasing after them in neighboring fields. Hopefully they will soon catch them and return us to our regular posting schedule of resentment-filled rants, irony and pictures of cute ducks.

Eagles - Cowboys: This time it's marginal

Yes, yes I am going to actually attempt a live blog. Fresh off a 10-mile bike ride in the dark from Victory brewing. Let's do this thing until I get lazy/bored.

Pregame: What are the odds Kornheiser mentions the suicide of David Foster Wallace sometime tonight? You know Dennis Miller would have. See: Commencement speech.

Just saw a trailer for the Max Payne movie. Best video game movie ever? It does have Marlo Stanfield.

Fuck you start the game.

And the Cowboys start the game with one of the fundamental follies: Kicking the ball out of bounds. Birds starting at the 40. Westbrook is good.

Ok we got a commercial break, 3-0 Birds. DeSean Jackson just didn't fumble. I am already losing interest in this. It will be the most half-assed piece of garbage ever.

Let's try some sense of place. I am sitting here in my dirty ass apartment. I may upload a photo so you can see the filth in which I live. Somewhere around 2019 Ridge (for life), except only with 2 people. One of us is even moving to China! Sorry if that makes sense none but 2 of you.

ROMO RHYMES WITH HOMO

I want TO to race Usain Bolt.

Apparently I have been written into a movie called "Messengers From Hell" playing a cop named Brady Ahorn. That is not even a joke. Obviously I've completely stopped paying attention to the game. Eagles got another field goal I guess. 7-6.

Glad I'm not paying attention. 14-6 Cowboys up. Time for some wine.

13-14. Now seems as good a time as any to post this. End of October. Call for details.



And the eagles just recovered a fumble in the endzone. Clearly a good sign.

I strongly dislike Terrell Owens. 20-21. Teen Wolf is on Fuse.

This game is fucking ridiculous. As is DeSean Jackson. He's is all like, fuck you I ain't scoring. FreeDarko? He was just helping pad Westbrook's stats.

TO 's been on some myostatin treatments.

You can't touch Donovan McNabb.

I think this is over. It's nearly halftime. Enjoy Norm MacDonald.

Ka Chow

Somebody shoved a bomb up Bam Margera's ass or something so I've been running around all morning dealing with that. Look for a live blog this evening for Eagles-Cowboys. Maybe.

Nothing out of the ordinary

Hey look over there, it's a terrible column I wrote hungover about not having a car!

Here's some other stuff:

Intelligent people should look at this whenever they start hyperventilating about the latest election idiocy. It helps me at least.

Also in politics, I guess, is this twitter feed. Lack of context is the best.

Been mulling what Kurt Vonnegut book to read, any suggestions outside of Slaughterhouse Five? in the meantime there's always The Big Space Fuck.

The hell is this? Russian?

That's it, enjoy the weekend. Phillies-Brewers should be interesting. Also, football of all sorts. Later.

Breaking: Monkey Race

You know it's well-trained when it can beat a guy on a unicycle.