Why I like Chelsea

In my 20 odd years as a Philadelphia sports fan, I have undergone all kinds of agony.

So close and yet so far: Eagles go to 4 straight NFC championship games, yet fail to win a Super Bowl. What is this, Buffalo?

Incandescent and irreplaceable: A great player who defies description ends up leaving town without a championship after an acrimonious fallout. Witness the current saga involving Iverson. Please let him go to Miami Denver. And don't get me started on TO.

Inevitable yet frustrating: I was at a World Series game(4) at the late Veterans Stadium, where the Phillies lost 15 to 14. Followed by the inevitable Joe Carter HR in game 6. I'm just glad I was young enough when this happened that most of the negative memories have been blocked.

Mythological: '64 Phillies lose the pennant after being up 6 1/2 games with 12 to play. Chico Ruiz stealing home was the start of it all. I don't even know who Chico Ruiz is, but I hate him.

Idiotic: Within our constant anguish, Philadelphia sports fans are portrayed and seen as boorish, stupid, insane, drunk and even racist. This probably bothers me worse than anything my teams have done. After all, I can't do anything about what the Phillies or Eagles actually do on the field, but I am a philly fan and that gives me some kind of responsibility to our collective national perception, in theory.
We don't all eat cheesesteaks you stupid fucks.


ANYWAY, as I increasingly become a fan of the English Premier League (EPL), I find myself able to root for whichever team I choose. I had brief flings with Arsenal, Liverpool and Everton, but I think Chelsea is the team for me. They have won the last two EPL titles. Even the nickname given to them by their rival fans -- Chelski -- is badass.
And they have Didier Drogba, who provided the fantastic late goal that may just propel them to another league title.

It would be the first championship a team I support has ever won.



edit: they lost

Vegas baby, uhhhh Vegas?

I was going to be generous call it the "KE Kicked-off Campus Memorial Vegas bachelor party", but in lieu of recent events I think "complete abortion" is better. Damn you cop for pulling me over on my way home from the airport and issuing me a $150 citation when I have exactly $13.56 to my name. You truly are a competent public servant who I wish dead.



Despite the excessive amounts of fear and loathing on this trip, I did have a good time, I think.
For example, seeing all the peeps was fantastic. Even DJ.
Also, riding in a stretch Hummer is a frivolous expense I can handle. Even if the ride is only 6 minutes long. YEAH! /little jon
And whiskey is always good.

That said, four days in Vegas is too much. Do not deny it. By the end I was breathing out some sort of THC/nicotine-based mist and hallucinating due to sleep deprivation and over-stimulation of the senses.

But walking back from the buffet using all of my severely limited mental capabilities to keep from vomiting all over the casino was a good challenge.

I will get into more details later, but I'm tired as shit right now and need to relax to some quality television. Ok lets see ... Domino? Damn you HBO!

All hail the elusive bog turtle

Ah the turtle.
Truly one of natures greatest creatures.

Condiment Fight

Preface: I received some "constructive criticism" from a "reader" and apparently there isn't enough "coherent narrative" here at the old Fainting Goats. In my defense I do this for my own entertainment (read the subhead), but I'll admit that anything with a timestamp after 4 am is not to be trusted.

But anyway, back to the bread and butter that everyone craves. Thats right -- stories I can barely remember from some random time I got drunk!

I'm sure everyone has held a bottle of ketchup and thought to themselves, what if I had a food fight, except limited only to condiments? No? Well let me tell ya, it is fucking glorious and hilarious and gay.













One time at the old KE my nemesis and I returned from a luckless night at the bar.

Nemesis and I had, as was tradition, been giving each other shit all night with no other purpose than to see if we could get under each other's skin. This came to a head while we were sitting in the basement/kitchen of KE, which was stocked with assorted food products. Grantpiece and Fancy were there as well.

Fancy had, as was tradition, been gorging himself while uttering such gems as, "aaaaaahahhaha BEEF" and smearing roast beef all over his face. This required copious amounts of ketchup, mustard, probably relish, and of course Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ sauce.

At some point nemesis made some snide remark and I held a squeeze bottle of mustard at his eye in a threatening way. Said eye then got a mischievous glint that was only too familiar, and I knew it was on.

We stripped out of our bar clothes and into our skivvies cause we couldn't afford new bar clothes (Northwestern education at work), and proceded to basically spray the hell out each other (and the KE basement) with all the condiments we could get our hands on. The coup de grace was when I threw a tray of croutons at my nemesis, many of which stuck to his mustard and ketchup covered back.

Sidenote: There was a glorified janitor that worked in the KE kitchen during the day. His name was Vince and he was a big ass black dude from the south side. Vince was the man, not to mention totally nuts. He had been stabbed, shot and generally lived in the ghetto his whole life, but still put up with a bunch of privileged/drunken Northwestern frat boys on a regular basis. Probably because of the reverence we showed when he showed off his stabbing scars. Also, Vince drank 40s with us in the Kave.

After the fight, my nemesis and I decided we didn't want to make Vince clean up our horrific mess, so we did a half assed cleanup ourselves, which restored the kitchen to a state not unlike a normal night, ie there was beef and smashed fruit all over the place.

Aftermath: After getting cleaned up -- or maybe before -- all 4 of us decided it would a good idea to fuck with the 2nd floor(we lived on the 3rd and 4th floors). So we stole the partition between their two bathroom stalls and put it on the 4th floor sundeck. They didn't get it back for at least a couple months, and a few of them even said they enjoyed the double-wide bathroom stall. I should pull the same prank at work.

As far as I know, there is still mustard on the ceiling in the now boarded up KE kitchen.

Avatar? WTF is Avatar!

I was supremely amused looking at my yahoo avatar today. For some reason my pseudo digital self is wearing a turkey suit. Not sure why I made that choice. It is disappointing that the tail obsures the alien standing next to me.

Also yahoo apparently has been tracking my fantasy sports leagues all these years, compiling everything. I had a team called Lords of the Bling in an NBA fantasy league in 2003 that somehow finished second. Thats an imaginary silver trophy lining my virtual trophy case. HIGH FIVE!

But anyway, back to avatars. For me to understand avatars I look to 2 sources:

Snow Crash: A book by Neal Stephenson, where Hiro Protagonist's avatar runs wild as a samurai sword weilding badass in the three dimensional computer created world known as the "Metaverse". This is the best science fiction book I've read, probably.

The Matrix: As Morpheus puts it -- digital representation of our physical self. This version springs directly from the users subconcience. Better put -- slaves mind. But I can't get into the Matrix, cause its pretty complicated.

So yeah, I know avatars are digital representations of computer users in a virtual world. Be them sprung from the users imagination(Snow Crash) or the subconcious(The Matrix).

While I hate to say the Matrix is not realistic -cough- Snow Crash's avatars are far closer to my turkey suit wearing jerkass.

Bomb the system

OK sorry, I have to put this up, just be glad its not a tool video.



Also--old news, Ryan Howard IS MVP.

Anger is a gift

Because there isn't enough on the Internets that is barely comprehensible to the author, let alone any poor soul who stumbles across it and dares to attempt reading for comprehension...

Was he robbed of the asphalt that cushioned his face?





Is it possible fight a class war with guns?
Cause I think we got the numbers.
When Warren Buffet is bitching about paying too little taxes, I know there's something wrong.

And then you got old Newt. Honestly, when reading that Newt Gingrich may run for president, I can't help but think I am on the wrong side, living here the U.S.

We worship our own shit. Literally praying to the porcelain god.
Sure theres the whole Christianity thing we got going, what with the fundies and G-Dub and all, but lets get real. Does anyone with an IQ over 90 outside of Colorado Springs actually believe in the rapture? I mean seriously, Jesus Camp? WTF! Seeing insanity replace the golden rule makes me far more confident in my atheism.

People here care more about Paris Hilton grabbing Britney Spears' titty than they do about the lives of thousands of people who worship a slightly different god.


In the newsroom we joke that 1,000 Iraqis dead=1 American dead, for newsworthyness (not a word). There is a whole breakdown that could be its own post. And its funny cause its true. Gotta love dark humor.

So the question is -- Can history repeat itself?

The answer is most certainly yes, especially if you ignore the past.
A majority of Americans would gladly accept new insect fascist overlords, as long as quality television programming like American Idol and Dancing with the Stars remains uninterrupted.

This is the kind of thinking that can set me off into some serious depression, so I better stop now. Happy thoughts....

2 weeks til VEGAS BABY VEGAS! Digital camera in hand, that will make for some good blogging.

Happy Thanksgiving

A couple of go-go 80s reaganauts like us? We could rule this world.
No question.
If only someone would give us a shot.
They're scared of our raw power! But if you want a job, i could beg everyone at the company where I work.
Awesome, awesome to the Max.
/Scruffy

I am thankful for Wolfmother in concert. Like watching Led Zepplin in 1970, except with a pit. MY neck is still sore from getting down. They played Joker and the Thief with a nervous breakdown. Think about it. Plus the straight-up Soundgarden riff in the middle via COLLOSUS. sweet sweet encore.

The bassist/keyboard ran the stage -- only dude in the electric factory that smoked a cig in public. Not to say there wasn't smoke.
Lead guitar/vocals rocked the fro, and the guitar over his head.
Drummer beat that like a cop on a black man in LA.

(aside: this was the best show i have seen since Saturday night at Woodstock 99, ie Limp Biscuit, Rage against the Machine and Metallica)

But anyway, what am I actually thankful for? I'm gonna keep it simple. 5 sports figures.

5- Donovan McNabb. He should be higher. But I gotta put five at 5.

4- Andre Iguodala. AI squared.

3- AI. You talkin bout practice.

2- Ryan Howard. NL MVP, not on drugs.

1- Anyone that can fucking win a championship.

2 ships passing in the night

WTF, my roommate just left for work, not more than 2 hours after I got home from a particularly hellish stint in the old ink mine.

Imagine me, knee deep in whiskey at 4 am, and hey, there's Steve, random new roommate I've met like 4 times getting up and heading off to work by 4:20.

I just don't know what to make of it.
Earlier(1am) I was considering a conversion from atheism to the church of reality, but I thought better. The "church" uses the word real approximately 5 to the 10 times within its "teachings."
Its still better than christianity.

But anyway, my roommate is gone for the day so I'm gonna go trash this place.

Enjoyable: Detroit Rock City

I could say "so bad its good" but that wouldn't make sense, cause this movie isn't even bad. And I owe a good movie, cause after pimping XXX so hard a couple weeks back I feel dirty.
Anyway, Detroit Rock City kicks some serious ass.
If you haven't seen it, the plot is about 4 friends going to see a KISS concert in Detroit during the '70s. Imagine Dazed and Confused except Metal instead of Wooderson and ghetto-detroit instead of hick-texas.

Key scenes:

They break Jam out of some sort of boarding school by giving the head guy magic mushrooms, even though it creates one of the few plot holes. I plead the fifth on describing this if you don't understand.

Hawk starts his strip show by filling a pitcher with vomit.

Jam loses his virginity in a confessional. To a Jewish girl no less. Sacrilicious!

They throw a pizza slice onto the hood of a pontiac while driving down the highway.

Anything involving Stretch Armstrong.

Hawk trying to buy tickets off a scalper, and the scalper convinces Hawk of the quality of a KISS show with the phrase "big breasteses in tight vesteses."

HEY CHONGO!

Here's your Patriot Act!

Repeatedly tasering UCLA students for not showing ID?
Sounds like a good idea.

Here's the video.


A few thoughts:

- Yelling at cops about the patriot act and abuse of power never works. But kudos to that dude anyway, and I'm sure mucho volts running through your body has got to get that adrenaline pumping like a bastard.

- Pretty sure its hard to stand up after being tased.

- If you don't carry an ID on you at all times, you risk being tased.

I am sick to my stomach, back to some red hot NBA action!

Hey Mr. Jack, this is the cause of your demise

So I been neglecting the blog over the past couple weeks. Allow me to make it up to you with this skateboarding dog.



Just kidding here’s the video.




Best headline ever -- Judge:Burritos are not sandwiches

That’s all I got.

Normally, I think Bono's a douchebag, but...

Silly rock stars and your implausible scenarios. And if you wonder why i dislike Bono, check out the glasses.


But seriously, the Eagles loss to the Jags put me in a funk like no other. Chanting "Iverson for president" or "AI for prez" and the miraculous finding of Siter's ticket only lightens the mood so much.

First I took the whole "we're nothing but a small speck of dust in the universe" approach, how much does an Eagles loss mean anyways? The answer was nothing. But ended up being too depressing.

Then I realized -- fuck the universe, there's way more important shit than the Eagles here on good old Earth. What with our future of humanity and what have you.

So yeah, in conclusion, vote.

THE KICK IS UP ............................GOOD!

Thanks Merrill, that 5 second delay helped. Seriously.

Matt Bryant's longest FG this season before today was 28 FUCKING yards. FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING KICKER. Sorry my creativity is all gone to be replaced with multiple f bombs.

I will now walk around in a daze for the next 3 days.
Just glad this shit doesn't bother me as much as it used to, or I'd be recreating scenes from Requiem for a Dream before the end of the season.

Whats the record for most losses on the last play of the game in a single season?

So bad its good -- XXX: State of the Union

Now I know what you are thinking. WTF? XXX: State of the Union? They couldn't even get Vin Diesel for that, and I refuse to see it on general principle. Well, sorry to say, but you are wrong.

Of course, it does have a few knocks against it. Such as the fact that its a sequel to a piece of garbage, the approximately 800 plot holes, and the fact that the director becomes an increasingly jump-cut/MTV-style "filmmaker" as it goes along, making the last half-hour borderline unwatchable.

But it has Ice Cube in his finest performance since, uh, All About the Benjamins? Plus SLJ and Willem Defoe in full-on "gotta make movies to get paid" mode. And a white guy who is constantly refered to as "college boy." So theres that.

Key scenes:
SLJ meets with Ice Cube in prison. Here's where you get some of that precious XXX backstory the viewers demand. Apparently Willem Defoe ordered SLJ and Cubes unit to start some sort of fire, burning civilians or something, and they refused emphatically. So emphatically that Cube was forced to break Defoe's jaw. The highlight of this exchange is SLJ turning his head to reveal a burn scar, to which Ice Cube says "I like what you did with your face."

Cube somehow jumps a boat onto a cop car, followed by him doing the slow motion walk in front of an explosion. Which somehow saves college boy from certain doom.

Any scene with Xzibit, who gets to finally play out his fantasy of owning a chop shop. What? He's got a show where he does that too?

The CGI shots of the capitol building. Not sure if they just couldn't get permission to shoot there, were too lazy, or just thought a CGI capitol would be cool. Personally I hope it was the latter.

Random throwaway line where they say Xander Cage (Vin Diesel from the first movie) was killed in Bora Bora. Well, that explains everything.

The final scene where Cube chases down the presidential bullet train(Guh?) by jumping a car onto the tracks, popping the tires and turing the car into some sort of tiny locomotive. Also Scott Speedman as NSA suit turned badass telling the president to jump into his awaiting arms while being suspended below a helicopter.

Actually, scratch that last one. And yes, I saw this in the theater.

And for your viewing pleasure and general edification, here's a random fan-created trailer I found.
BEWARE SPOILERS! Just kidding. Not really.

straight up breaking shit

Ah, destruction and or petty vandalism. I guess this counts as another episode of drunken tales. Good times.

A few specific instances illustrate my point. There are many more assorted streetsign-stealing, mailbox-knocking-over related incidents that lend to the memories, but these 2 stand out.

1> Throwing shit off the 4th floor sundeck. In the late KE fraternity (Epsilon Delta chaper) we used to toss random shit off our little patio where the fire escape met the roof. Of note were Mike Brown's filing cabinet, assorted couches and water balloons, both launched and thrown. For example. Launching balloons onto the sidewalk in front of the engineering building (aka Tech) while unsuspecting NU students were walking between classes.
Also throwing water balloons at football players, resulting in them throwing a football at the front of the house. Followed by future NFL draftee LB Billy Silva punching out a house window. All that remains is that I'm glad Silva and Kevin Bentley didn't kick my ass when I ran out to confront them. Stupid drunk.

2> Smashing cars aka Busting the hell out of a 1980 Honda with Alaska plates in Wisconsin. The car was clearly abandoned. The highlights were me kicking out the windshield (possibly my favorite thing I have ever done), and the Warden running inside to get a crowbar so he could properly smash out the headlights/windows. Cops are dumb.

Don't try this shit at home

Hands down, The Wire is the best show on TV. So many reasons to watch. Granted, I didn't get into it until this season(4) but it grabs you by the neck and don't let go.

Shit, Omar in jail alone will keep me watching every week, cause somebody's getting shanked with the glass knife. FO SHO.
Goes to show you though, a show can kill off one of its best characters(Stringer Bell) and move another into the background(McNulty), yet become arguably better for it.

Plus pretty much everyone on it is badass in their own way, with the possible exception of Namond Brice.

stuck in the middle with you

Doesn't it make you feel better? The pigs have won the war.
I know I had it coming. I know I can't be free.
Pain is an illusion.

Oh you crazy Germans, I can't stay mad at you

Beware the milky pirate? Sound advice, methinks.

So bad its good: Deep Blue Sea

I was going to write So bad its good: Jet Li's The One, but I can't remember enough about it. There is not one universe, but a MULTIVERSE.

So Deep Blue Sea it is. Renny Harlin's crowning achievement. As I always say, "Its as good as a movie about super-intelligent sharks can possibly be." I mean just look at the poster.

That shark is totally sneaking up on her! Also, the lead actresses name is Saffron. Like the herb.

In case you haven't seen it, which is inexcusable, its about a team of researchers led by saffron, Stellan Skarsgaard and SLJ in nerd mode. They work at an underwater research facility, where they are testing alzheimers medicine on sharks? Maybe? All I know is "The sharks got smarter." Also, LL Cool J is a wise-ass cook.

Anyway, Tom Jane brings his crack team of shark afficianados(or whatever, Jane knows sharks, in the biblical sense) down to the undersea facility, when a storm/helicopter crash floods the facility, setting the sharks on the hunt. On the hunt for humans. (sorry)


Key scenes
LL Cool J escapes from shark by climbing into his own oven. After the shark ate his pet parrot. The shark turns on the oven, cause it wants a hot meal of course. So LL uses the hatchet he happens have on his person to hack through to the upper oven, at which point he dives over the shark, which is still attacking the lower oven. Stupid super-intelligent sharks, when will you learn? He then delivers the classic one liner "You ate ma' bird." and throws his lighter back into the oven/shark region causing an explosion. I guess they were gas ovens.

Saffron strips down (wooo woooo!) because she must use her wetsuit for its non-conductive properties when she totally electrocutes another shark. Pretty sure this wouldn't work. Got my fingers crossed that they'll test it on Mythbusters, otherwise we may never know.

LL Cool J escapes death by stabbing a shark in the eye with his cross necklace.

And of course, the immortal scene where SLJ delivers a totally cliched inspirational speech, followed instantly by a shark eating him. Unfortunately I couldn't find a clip, but this 10 second highlight reel is chock full o' shark-bitey goodness.