Thursday, January 31, 2008

Thus begins the fainting goats book club

In case you can't tell from image of Sam Snail at an indian massacre above, the first choice for our book club is Blood Meridian, by Cormac McCarthy.

I considered A People's History of the United States, but then I saw that it's more than 700 pages, and thats a little long for the first choice. Then I considered Deadspin Editor Will Leitch's "God Save the Fan" purely for the links I could milk out of it. But I don't think Deadspinners are ready for the raw power of my posts about whales or penguins. Maybe next time.

As for how this will work, we're going to shoot for a chapter a week. I'll make a post on Thursdays where I'll offer a few thoughts, and then everyone can go nuts in the comments. And if I know the commenters here, that means we'll get two cryptic lines from TMoney, something kind of useful from Charles and/or Sean, followed by a completely off-topic link or description of future ski vacations from anonymous and a dr.gpiece rant about Christians or Tom Brady.

Of course when this plan doesn't work/turns into a clusterfuck, we'll switch to a e-mail thingamabob. It starts next week, first Thursday in February. I for one look forward to the scalpings.

In Memoriam

It's hard to believe its been a whole year already.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

The presidential primary brought to you by Guns and Roses

The presidential race is finally heating up after four elections worth of coverage before Super Tuesday. If you are a voter in Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Idaho, Illinois, Kansas, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Missouri, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Tennessee or Utah, get ready, cause you are going to decide who could be the next president. That's 24 states. Nothing to worry about there, it's completely normal.

DISCLAIMER: If you are an independent voter, you may not have the option of voting in the primary. Also, this post is a complete ripoff of classic Simmons, where he would break down an NBA season or something based on movie quotes.

So here's the goats official take on the presidential primary, sure opinions have been offered before, but you gotta go with GnR for anything definitive. And no, I don't know what that means.

"What we've got here is failure to communicate.
Some men you just can't reach...
So, you get what we had here last week,
which is the way he wants it!
Well, he gets it!"

This goes to the American Voter in all his infinite wisdom. One thing I've realized in my year of blogging and 2+ years at a newspaper, is that reading for comprehension is a dying art in this country. I can't even count the number of people who have called in pissed off about something that turns out to be a result of their own lack of understanding. (Not to praise the writers here, though, they're awful). So yeah, the average voter has zero ability at this point to parse information for themselves, which leads us too ...

My hands are tied
The billions shift from side to side
And the wars go on with brainwashed pride
For the love of God and our human rights
And all these things are swept aside
By bloody hands time can't deny
And are washed away by your genocide
And history hides the lies of our civil wars

This goes to the mainstream media, cable news especially. Tasked with keeping the voting populace informed on the pressing issues of the day, CNN et al have increasingly resorted to sensationalism and hype in place of real news. Of course, they are only playing to the ratings, their hands are tied. Because clearly making money is the most important a news organization can do. Well, that and promoting doublethink.

Do you wear a black armband
When they shot the man
Who said "Peace could last forever"

This goes to John Edwards, who just dropped out of the race. He never said peace could last forever, nor was he shot. But his campaign was a "scrappy underdog bid in which he steered his rivals toward progressive ideals while grappling with family hardship that roused voters' sympathies," according to the AP. Where's my black armband?

So I never fell for Vietnam
We got the wall of D.C. to remind us all

This goes to John 'Walnuts' McCain. While its debatable whether he "never fell for Vietnam" he was tortured there, and that tenuous connection is good enough for me. I just like seeing hardcore conservatives forced to accept the straight-talking maverick as their best hope for president. Also he's old, creepy and kinda insane.

That you can't trust freedom
When it's not in your hands

This is my favorite lyric, so it goes to my favorite candidate -- Barack Obama. Yes, that's the fainting goats endorsement, for what its worth. Returning the power to the people and taking back our democracy are big parts of his message of hope. Now he's got the Kennedys in his corner too, which has got to be a bonus.

When everybody's fightin'
For their promised land

Here we have Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee. Everyone's favorite religious wackos are still hanging around the GOP race, fighting tooth and nail. Keep reaching for that rainbow you fucking nutballs.

It feeds the rich while it buries the poor
Your power hungry sellin' soldiers

Rudy Giuliani. "The best way to achieve peace is through overwhelming strength." Yeah, and a nuclear wasteland is totally peaceful. Dude is such a fascist. I also enjoy him saying we should have less lawsuits. There should be a collective bargaining lawsuit against him for defrauding the American people and causing 9/11. And by collective bargaining I mean class action. I'm cool.

In a human grocery store
Ain't that fresh

This stupid metaphor goes to the Florida Democrats. Surely the land of Kitty Harris and Jeb Bush will work out well for you? No. Living up to their bumbling rep, they lost their delegates when the election was moved to a week before super Tuesday. Blowing their load, if you will. Yet somehow the Republicans kept their delegates for Walnuts. I blame witchcraft. Anyway, congratulations Florida, you truly are America's wang.

Look at the shoes your filling
Look at the blood we're spilling
Look at the world we're killing
The way we've always done before
Look in the doubt we've wallowed
Look at the leaders we've followed
Look at the lies we've swallowed
And I don't want to hear no more

This goes to Hillary Clinton. A reminder of the recent past, but kind of rejecting that past at the same time. The goats are not against her at this point, I just hope she doesn't destroy the Democratic party by trying to take down Obama. Kennedys vs. Clintons has all the pundits with severe hard ons. THE JUGGERNAUT POLITICAL SHOWDOWN! SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY

"We practice selective annihilation of mayors
And government officials
For example to create a vacuum
Then we fill that vacuum
As popular war advances
Peace is closer"

This goes to the Internet. Selective annihilation is as good a description as any for how things go down on this series of tubes. Be it a viral video or a war between Anonymous and Scientology or whatever. No one has the full grasp of how it affects politics, yet it certainly does. Amorphous and uncontrollable as a whole, yet on a small scale it allows any nerd with a high-speed connection to put out their opinions. Whether this is all bring bringing peace closer is debateable, but the web certainly creates and fills vacuums.

I don't need your civil war (repeated)

This goes to the rest of the world. Surely no one in China or Lithuania cares all that much about America's presidential politics, yet everything that happens here sends ripples that reverberate throughout the world. It's all connected. To paraphrase my hero Ellis Carver, "We didn't think it mattered, but it did. Everything matters." So residents of earth -- enjoy having the next "leader of the free world" decided by this garbage.

Whaz so civil 'bout war anyway

This final line that isn't even English goes to Wolf Blitzer. I look forward to will not be watching the Democratic debate hosted by him on Thursday. Unless he says that line, in which case I'll hate him slightly less.

Breaking: Drunk man does something stupid

Sometimes when I'm bored at work, I go on the AP wire and search for anything with the "ODD" slug.

Note to non-journos: "Slug" refers to what an article is called within the newsroom or on the wire. Usually they are more direct and to the point than what you will see in the paper. Some could be offensive to the sensibilities of Joe Reader (read: Borderline illiterate moron). My favorite all-time slug remains "Baby as Weapon" which was a long running series of articles about some woman in western Pa. who tried to beat her boyfriend by swinging her infant child by the feet.

Anyway, today I came across this article slugged "Drunken Mowing" and thought I'd share it.

ADRIAN, Mich. (AP) -- A man was charged with drunken driving after going through two bottles of wine, cutting through a snowstorm on his lawn mower and riding down the center of the street to reach a liquor store, authorities said.

Police found Frank Kozumplik, 49, homeward bound on a John Deere tractor Saturday night, toting four bottles of wine in a paper bag, officials said.

He told officers that his wife had taken their car to work, and that the mower was the only way he could reach the store, two miles from home.

His blood alcohol level was 2½ times Michigan's legal driving limit of 0.08 percent, police told WLEN-FM. They arrested him and confiscated the mower.

Ha ha. Michigan is like Wisconsin's ugly sister. Or more attractive cousin. I'm not really sure, these metaphors can get pretty confusing.

Seriously though, this guy needs help. And by help, I mean a ride home from the drunk tank because they confiscated his mower.

Monday, January 28, 2008

America opposes genocide in Sudan

No better time for non sequiturs than the "last" G-Dub State of the Union. So much bullshit my brain asplode, all with Nancy Pelosi clapping like some sort of legislating monkey.

Here's my State of the Union World. As Frenchie says, “the social system that presently governs human society – capitalism – blindly, doggedly rejects the changes necessary to preserve the dignity and promise of human existence.”

Eat the Rich.

Boom, bitch!

Today marks 22 years since the Challenger blew up. Enjoy So sad.

It was one of those moments that everyone remembers where they were at the time. I was only 5, but I still remember watching it on TV, bored out of my fucking skull.

There aren't many events that become part of the collective American consciousness like that. In the past 25 years you only have a few. 9/11, the OJ trial, the World Series earthquake and the fall of the USSR are the main things that come to mind. Not too mention the final episode of "Evening Shade" in 1994.

Friday, January 25, 2008

God bless the internet

You know, when I click on a link that says "bird poop in mouth" I expect it to deliver. That guy is an example of journalism at its finest. Out there on the front lines, braving all the bird shit in the world to tell you about some sort of bird infestation that no one cares about.

Moving on -- The Library of Congress has a flickr stream.

This reviewer uses nearly 3000 words to say Dane Cook sucks. I am officially convinced thatmaking fun of Cook is funnier than the man himself.

Conan vs. Colbert. It's funny because Mike Huckabee's candidacy is a joke.

There was some recession talk earlier this week. It wouldn't be so bad. Honestly, I am looking forward to it. Conservation would become popular out of necessity. I will fucking destroy people in Skip the Pump. But lets be honest, that extra 300 bucks coming from Congress will totally turn the economy around. Or not.

Journalism is all about the drinking
. I agree.

Sex with Robots? Soon, say nerds.

In other geek news, we have an open source a video recorder, whose makers are encouraging hackers to go to town on it. I'm not that technically savvy, but hey, gotta start somewhere. I can't wait to watch internet porn on my TV. What a strange and exciting future we live in!

That's it, I gotta go cause I'm totally burgin.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Women's tennis for some reason

In no way is this post an attempt to justify the past hour I spent looking at pictures from the women's semifinals of the Australian Open on the AP wire. I look forward to the sexy results of a Sharapova v. Ivanovic (pictured) final.

It's a slow day. Whatever. Book club announcement coming next week.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Read a f***ing book

Anyone interested in some sort of "book club" sponsored by this here fainting goats? And by sponsored, I mean a loose affiliation, contributing nothing in the way of funds or prizes. I will offer a small amount of moral support in the form of Sam the Skateboarding Snail.

Even if the book club doesn't happen, I still found this awesome poster

As a way of getting the ball rolling, here are a few suggestions for books that we could start with (all in paperback, key). If there is any interest we can work out the particulars of how this would work, perhaps some via some sort of e-mail discussion.

Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy. A commenter suggested I read McCarthy's "The Road" last week, but this is already sitting on my shelf. Been meaning to read some of his stuff, especially since I saw No Country for Old Men. According to the two reviews I just read online, "Blood Meridian" is regarded as one of the best, if not the best, of McCarthy's works.

No Logo by Naomi Klein. The non-fiction option. It examines how corporate brands have taken over, and the damage super-branding has done to culture, work and everyday life the world over. From what I hear its one of the best left-leaning books written in the past 10 years. It's not a shoe, its a lifestyle!

World War Z by Max Brooks. An oral history of the zombie war. Need I say more? I will anyway. Following up on his 'Zombie Survival Guide' Brooks offers a variety of first-hand accounts describing different aspects of the inevitable zombie-human conflict.

Have suggestions of your own? Perhaps something not so bleak or that you got for free off a shelf at National Public Radio? I'm open to suggestions.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Skiing is fun

skiass. heh.

There are few things more humorous than seeing someone wreck their shit while you are riding up the ski lift. Well, besides shouting "Ka-Chow!" or "Pew! Pew! Pew!" at random people as you blow by them.

Last weekend, I was up in the Poconos and saw some guy fall over for no apparent reason, lose both his skis, and slide, ski-less, 100 yards down the mountain. Assholes that we are, shibby and I started laughing uncontrollably at the guys misfortune. Good luck climbing back up the hill for your skis, dumbass.

It was the best wreck I'd seen since we were up at Mt. Snow in Vermont near the end of the season last year. Some guy was cruising along, carving some turns, pretending to be Bode Miller. Little did he know that there was a big bare patch just over that next hump. Word to the wise, mud and grass will stop skis in a hurry.

Monday, January 21, 2008


"You know they went after King when he spoke out on Vietnam. He turned the power to the have-nots. And then came the shot."

Sometimes I wonder how different the world could be today if the three-letter assassinations (MLK, JFK, RFK) never happened. And I'm not the only one who has considered such things.

Everyone knows about King's civil rights work. The "I have a dream" speech, etc. What doesn't get mentioned as often is how he became a champion of the poor and critical of American militarism in his final years. I think this is a story that needs to be told, especially now, and I'm glad that some are telling it.

To illustrate how his work is still relevant today, chew over this video of King's "Beyond Vietnam" speech. It was vilified by the press at the time. Heaven forbid someone speak out for "the shirtless and barefoot people" of the third world. But the words ring true even today, and our intrepid Youtube editor seems keen to point that out.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Signs of Recession

Welcome to another edition of phriday philler, or as it more accurately could be called -- stuff I saw on Reddit this week.

First we have this "Internet Party" video on Cracked. Imagine all the different internet sites as people at a party at Google's house. Cause she knows everybody, get it? Meta-larious. It's from the comedy something Those Aren't Muskets! whose site is worth checking out.

Here's an interview with Ice Cube from the Onion AV Club. "Are we done yet?" is clearly gangsta.

Reading this article about real-life superheroes, all I could think of was Watchmen. And of course the graphic novel is mentioned in the article. Nevertheless, if I saw one of these "Reals" out somewhere I would probably laugh in their face. Unless it was Citizen Prime, he kicks ass.

Check out the latest fashions, from Milan. WTF. I don't even have a joke here. Oh wait, yes I do: Derelicte my balls.

Save the Redwoods. I saw them once, they are worth saving. Not like those good-for-nothing whales.

Here's a fan-made video of The Arcade Fire's "My Body is a Cage." Bruce Springsteen liked it, and if its good enough for the Boss, its good enough for me.

Finally, here's an interesting column about materialism in our culture. Ah, the fake choices we have today. CONSUME!

That's it, I'm going to go play War on Terror, the boardgame. Enjoy your weekend.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

An Aspiring Intellectual Deadbeat

"I dust a bit ... in addition, I am at the moment writing a lengthy indictment against our century. When my brain begins to reel from my literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip."
-Ignatius J. Reilly

I just finished "A Confederacy of Dunces" by John Kennedy Toole earlier this week. I guess those Pulitzer Prize people know what they are doing, because the book is hilarious. I was wondering and worrying a bit about where it was all going at certain points, but holy shit does it come together at the end. If you haven't read this book, you're missing out.

The protagonist of the story is Ignatius J. Reilly, an elephant of a man who lives with his mother and has, let's say, a "unique" view of the world. Throughout the novel he gets into all kinds of adventures through his jobs at a pants company and as a hot dog vendor. He encounters a variety of obstacles and adversaries to his questionable goals (the crusade for Moorish dignity?) including birds, plainclothes police officers, violent lesbians, a drunken driving accident, Nazi pornographers and orphans.

The book offers a portrait of New Orleans so well defined that some suggested they use it as a rebuilding guide after Katrina. That is not a joke, I don't think. The dialog is unique and often hilarious, with local inflections and what-not. Whoa!

There are a bunch of other memorable characters besides Ignatius. Burma Jones for example, the constantly smoking young black man who sees all behind his dark glasses. Or Trixie, the senile old bat who works with Ignatius at one point and calls him Gloria. Trixie also gets false teeth, which she uses to bite people. You can't make this stuff up.

How it the book came to be is an interesting story in itself. Toole killed himself before the book was published. His mother found the manuscript and eventually was able to get it published after she brought it to novelist Walter Percy, who also wrote this in the foreword.

But Toole's greatest achievement is Ignatius Reilly himself, intellectual, ideologue, deadbeat, goof-off, glutton, who should repel the reader with his gargantuan bloats, his thunderous contempt and one-man war against everybody -- Freud, homosexuals, heterosexuals, Protestants, and the assorted excesses of modern times. Imagine an Aquinas gone to pot, transported to New Orleans whence he makes a wild foray through the swamps to LSU at Baton Rouge, where his lumber jacket is stolen in the faculty men's room where he is seated, overcome by mammoth gastrointestinal problems. His pyloric valve periodically closes in response to the lack of a "proper geometry and theology" in the modern world.
So, uh, yeah. He's also dressed as a pirate for like half the book.

Final note: Apparently there have been many efforts to make a Confederacy of Dunces movie. Chris Farley, John Belushi, John Candy, and most recently Will Farrell have all been in the fold to play Ignatius. But who knows if it'll ever happen.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Fuck Comcast

Seriously. New episodes of "The Wire" are supposed to be On Demand a week before they air. And they were for the first two weeks of the season. But here we are in week three, and Episode 53 "Not for Attribution" is nowhere to be found in the labyrinthine menu system. What. The. Fuck. Urge to kill rising.

Do not tease me you fucking cable monolith. Without the Wire I am like a child without his parent and/or guardian, lost at Disney World. Or TO after a playoff loss. Yesterday I even found myself watching American Idol. Terrible.

Oh well, I'll just have to make do with the soundtrack, "All the Pieces Matter." Nothing better than Omar whistling "The farmer in the Dell" or Slim Charles and Stringer Bell conversating with their crew. Or just hardcore B-more rapping from Bossman.

"Omar Comin'" mp3
"Later for all that gangster bullshit" mp3
"Ayo" Bossman mp3

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Party on dude

Monday, January 14, 2008

I am productive

After being bitten by a radioactive sloth, I gained the ability to watch no less than 20 hours of sports last weekend. And now you get to hear about it. Huzzah!

Got off to a strong start by sleeping through most of the the Arsenal-Birmingham English Premier League game. They tied, which was an upset. Arsenal should not be dropping points at home a just-promoted side. I blame Hleb.
Of course, if you know what that means, you also know that Arsenal only picking up one point meant they left the door open for Manchester United to take over first place with a win in the next game against Newcastle. After a scoreless first half, ManU's Christiano Ronaldo was all like "KICK BALL, BLARGH" and they scored 500 goals (actually 6). As always, watching ManU reminded me of "Euro Trip." Cause that movie is good xenophobic.

After briefly leaving my apartment to J it up, I watched some college basketball. Specifically, UConn knocked off No. 8 Georgetown Georgetown held off UConn and Kentucky beat Vanderbilt in 2 OTs. Pretty exciting stuff. The Sixers should draft Roy Hibbert, what with his ability to hit game-winning threes.

But who gives a shit about college basketball before March? Mohamed Hachad? Lets get to the good stuff.

Go Pack Go: The first half in Green Bay was wildly entertaining. Brett Favre in the snow, what more do you want? I decided before this game to jump on the Green Bay bandwagon. Of all the remaining teams they seem to be the most appealing, right Charles? Of course, when I jumped on the bandwagon it almost swerved off the road, via Ryan Grant fumbling on two of the first three plays of the game. But wheelman Favre was able to straighten her out thanks to his old man powers -- not to mention my half-hearted, drunken cheers. Also of note: Have you heard about this new game console, the Atari Bigby? It hits hard.

Fucking Patriots: Belichick, Brady and the juggernaut that is New England rolls on. The Jag-wires gave it a good effort, I guess. What I didn't know is that David Garrard has Crohn's disease and a white wife. Not sure how those two things fit together, but it'll come. Someday. Anyway, my mother always said if you don't have anything to say, don't say anything at all, so here's Ricegirl's surely coherent take.

Moving on. Sunday once again began with a little English soccer. The game wasn't great (Blackburn-Bolton), but it still perfectly killed those two hours from 11 to 1 pm, avoiding all the pregame garbage. Blackburn scored on a ridiculous 60-yard run from late-game sub Jason Roberts in the 90th minute to win 2-1. It was no Messi, but still pretty impressive.

Bolts over Colts: If I learned one thing from this game, it's that you can't stop Billy Volek, you can only hope to contain him. Shawne Merriman eats babies full of steriods. It's just amazing that the Chargers could pull this out after injuries to both Ladanian and Philip Rivers (now a good QB for some reason).


Don't cry for me, Tony Romo: At first there was hope that both the Giants and Cowboys could lose, but apparently the so-called "rules of the game" prevent that from happening. So then I thought perhaps a giant dinosaur could run amok in Texas Stadium, or Ron Paul's blimp would crash onto the field, killing everyone. Alas, twas not to be. But in retrospect the end result was as good as it could have turned out. I mean, TO crying. Plus we get another week of bonus "Did Romo + Jessica Simpson cost the Cowboys" speculation from unqualified experts and observers. This man's opinion: It clearly did. Long live the Eli Manning! At least until next week.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Damn right


The fattest cat in the world is dead. I don't even have a joke here. That cat is was enormous.

Here's a cool story about a guy with no legs. He has traveled the world, snapping photos of people staring at him. Be sure to check out the video. Watching him maneuver on his skateboard brings to mind the movie "Kids" where the presumably homeless guy is panhandling on the subway, singing "I have no legs."

Along the same lines of the "My New Haircut" video, we have hot chicks with douchebags.

Cockpits. Heh.

I got Netflix, and it's pretty much the greatest thing ever. So far I've seen The Hoax, A Scanner Darkly, and Wet Hot American Summer. All good. If you haven't seen Wet Hot American Summer, I highly recommend it. So fucking droll. Montage, bitches!

Ways to be annoying. Some of these are pretty funny and/or ridiculous. Some highlights:
Ask people what gender they are.
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Paint the side of your house with a giant eyeball.
Grow a mustache and beard on only one side of your face.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

Thats it, I'm going to go spread seeds throughout the land.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

grahhhhhhsshshb ... rappers delight?

Trying to get newspaper people to do Internets (is that the one with the e-mail?) is like herding cats.

In other news, Philadelphia's new mayor is cooler than you.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Don't call it a comeback

Commenter (nee contributor) TMoney wondered earlier this week who the goats favor in the ongoing presidential primary. And while the sanctity of the voting booth is one of the cornerstones of American democracy, I will oblige.

First, you may remember that Ron Paul has been pimped here before, but he's not a serious candidate. If the election was held on the internet, Paul would be viable. He's big with the 29th level druid-mage demographic.

No, Ron Paul is too conservative and supported by racists for me. If the goat were to endorse a marginal candidate, it would have to be the No. 1 Stunna, Dennis Kucinich. He's a baller and sometime shot-caller, and not in that crazy throwing rocks in lakes, Mike Gravel way. Strength through peace. Consistently holding down the left side of Congress. He even introduced the bill to impeach Cheney.

But alas, Kucinich tis not to be. There are 3 Democrats who actually could win the nomination. All of whom are far more better than any of the GOP candidates like Walnuts! or Mittens.

Let's break 'em down, my friends:

Hillary Clinton: The Efficient Political Robot. I like her because she seems to know what she's doing. And it appears she does care about stuff. No doubt Hillary could get some shit done as president, like health care and other village-related programs. On the other hand, she's clearly beholden to a variety of corporate interests and lobbyists. She's an insider who voted for the Iraq war. So as much as I want to help Bill get back on White House intern circuit, I'm going to take a pass.

John Edwards: The Pretty Boy Populist. Oh how the ladies swoon when he drawls about homeless vets living under highways. Seems genuinely committed to change, and is anti-corporate interests, which I like. Too bad he kinda comes off as irrelevant. He's the white guy in a race with a woman and an African American. Actually it's kind of funny, the candidate that's most committed to changing the way Washington works is the white guy. OK, maybe it's not that funny.

Barack Obama: The Magical Negro. After his win in white bread Iowa, pundits were quick to jump on the Obama bandwagon. He's like a cross between Kennedy and Jesus, only with more charisma! He could represent a real, tangible sea change in America -- going from G-Dub to a progressive black president would be pretty cool. Unfortunately the Diebold machines don't like him. And his newcomer/outsider status is both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, he bucks the conventional Beltway wisdom; on the other hand, his lack of experience could hamper his effectiveness. But he's got the white guilt vote going for him, which is nice.

In conclusion, the official fainting goats presidential primary endorsement goes to ... FUCK VOTING. At least in the primary. That's for suckers.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

I miss Nitro

Why American Gladiators, Why? I watched about 10 minutes of NBC's shitacular remake on Sunday night and a little piece of me died inside. I remember loving the original American Gladiators -- watching on Saturday mornings, in between episodes of Saved by the Bell and, lets say, Disney's Adventures of the GummiBears.

Wherefore are thou, '80s production values? This new gladiators comes off like a crappy version of "Dog Eat Dog" what with its quick cut editing. Too stylized, I say! Too stylized!

And I had so much hope for this show. Maybe it needs more nerds? Because this video is pretty entertaining.

Actually I think the show needs some sort of Joe Roganesque host. A little acerbic wit could go a long way. From what I've seen, the contestants and gladiators take themselves way too seriously. I can't even enjoy it on an ironic level. Maybe the producers could get David Cross involved if they gave him enough money. Or perhaps Malibu is available. (Sidenote: Laila Ali is terrible. I never thought I'd long for the dulcet tones of Larry Csonka -- or Joe Theisman for that matter -- but here we are.)

Just one more childhood memory destroyed forever. Thanks NBC. I guess not all '80s remakes can be as enjoyable as Transformers. It takes are a delicate balance? Combining the flavor of the '80s with the style of today? Hrm.

Maybe I will give the new American Gladiators one more chance. After all it does have this guy. Unintentional comedy could be its saving grace. And Crush is pretty hot. But I fear that without the innocence of youth what was once corny and fun will now be corny and lame.

Oh well, at least I have the G.I. Joe movie to look forward to, right? Right?


Monday, January 07, 2008

The beat goes round and round

The above video is an excerpt from Scotch Mist, a "video with Radiohead in it." Scotch Mist is comprised of Radiohead playing the entire tracklist of IN RAINBOWS and is available in its entirety on Youtube.

Now I may have mentioned IN RAINBOWS in some philler post this past fall -- but now I have marinated on the album for a while, and it certainly merits full post.

IN RAINBOWS is an experimental album in every sense except the sound itself. The music itself is way more accessible to the casual listener than say, Kid A. It's quite frankly a band at the top of their game, doing what they do best, perhaps more prog-rock than post-rock.

But what is experimental is how the band has gone about releasing this album. Completely defies convention. It's almost like Thom Yorke et al are just making it up as they go along.

"Hey guys, lets make a 50+ minute video of us playing our album and put it on YouTube"
"That's genius!"

And their approach appears to be working. The music has been available for months, and yet the CD still debuted at number one in the UK. And who knows how much they made on the early release downloads.

Its important to point out that Radiohead already had a very devoted following before this album, Scott Tenorman aside. And this following was formed through years of major label releases. So it's doubtful that some less-known musical act could break in using the IN RAINBOWS model. But still, credit to Radiohead for breaking new ground, and possibly changing the rules of the game at the same time.

Finally, lets introduce grading system that may be used in the future if I want to talk about music here. I have a criteria for albums I concocted in my head during the several years I spent driving around delivering pizzas and listening to music -- possibly while stoned. It goes like this -- the quality of an album is determined by the number of tracks skipped during a standard listen.

By this scale, for example, "Play" by Moby ranks very highly, whereas Dillinger Escape Plan's "Ire Works" doesn't fair as well (Milk Lizard FTW). This is a subjective system (hey, just like music!) affected by many intangibles such as the volume my radio is set at and chronic quality.

But anyway, IN RAINBOWS is a one-skip album, at worst.

Friday, January 04, 2008

No excuse

It's been kind of a slow week. And by slow I mean I've only been in the office three days, limiting the amount of time I've spent on the world wide interwebs. So my usual cache of links is a little thin, but here we go anyway.

The big news is the first votes were finally cast in the presidential race -- Obama and Huckabee won in Iowa. Great headline from Fark: Obama to Hillary: Suck My Caucus. Here's an article about the Obama phenomenon from Rolling Stone political writer Matt Taibbi. Also of note, Huckabee is fucking insane. And here's what their victories might mean.

If that's all too serious for you, maybe this politician battle rap thread from Something Awful is more your cup of tea.

"Hearty Eaters" banned from buffet. No word on whether the restaurant was called the Fryin' Dutchman -- "Tis no man, 'tis a remorseless eating machine, Arr."

I am struggling to find anything interesting ... an asteroid might hit Mars? Whatever.

Uhh, how bout a video?

This post is dead to me.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Insects getting hit by pies

I have no idea what the deal is with this, but when I come across a video of minature pies being launched at flies, beetles and spiders, I post it.

edit: It appears that this is part of a European cell phone ad campaign. Whatever.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

It begins

Well I already watched the first episode of the new season of The Wire -- available On Demand one week before it airs. Huzzah! The newsroom stuff seems promising. You can see series creator David Simon's experience coming through.

Anyway, not going to get into the new season yet.

I've been considering the most depressing event of the first four seasons. None of these compares in wrist-slitting sadness to the end of Jurassic Bark, but instead the gritty realism does something or other.

As always, sorry to those who don't watch this show. Seriously, I'm sad that you have not made time for the best show ever broadcast on American television. Go watch Dancing with the Stars, you fucks.

In no particular order (big spoiler alert):

D'Angelo killed in prison - "That's a life that had to be snatched."

Kima gets shot - Rawls comforting McNulty was a great scene

Bodie kills Wallace - "Be a fucking man!"

Sobotka killed by the Greek - Agent Koutris is a jerk

Bodie shot dead on his corner - like a soldier, standing tall to the end

Carcetti sells out the citizens of Baltimore for political gains - fucking bastard

Randy goes back to the group home - "You're gonna look out for me, Sergeant Carver? You got my back huh?"

Bubbles - his life sucks, everything he does is depressing. When can a junkie catch a break?

Nicky Sobotka's duck dies - probably shouldn't have given it shots of Jameson

Hair of the Dog

Happy 2008, etc.

I'm still recovering from the ridiculous wedding I was at on New Year's eve. Probably the less said about that the better. Events rapidly spiraled out of control. I blame shibby.

Perhaps I will post something of substance later, but for now enjoy this video of the so-called "Safetybike."